One more with feeling.

You knwo what I'm tired and I'm upset which probably means I shouldn't be blogging this

but you think some internet woman is the first bully I dealt with.

and I'm very glad

SUPER glad that you think me working and not having money is a reason to MOCK mE and judge me in public

because truly speaking towards injustice is always a way of hiding your classist solipsistic BULLSHIT

but wait taht's right
you don't pay my bills fight my battles or it seems have any FUCKING CLUE on my life but you sure like keep it in your fucking mouth ad nauseum when it suits you

and you knwo what

even if you are a nasty evil person to me and mine

I still stand by the fact that you shouldn't have been treated that way

why because it's what

I BELIEVE

now please be enraptured and enamored of all the people who love you

GOOD FUCKING NIGHT

Stuntin part 2

So I'm in a crap mood .

Well not a crap mood but a thinky one. I have like five pieces going right now and I'm working out what I have to do and see before I go to guyana and exactly how I can pay for this ( my long term plan seems to be deferring my student loans for two years ) but here are some of my thoughts for the day.

!) I had to go to work past a major train station . I passed on the street no more than four major church groups. In the neighborhood preaching outreaaching collecting info . I have NEVER seen a major feminist group in my neighborhood NEVER and I stopped seeing major afam groups around apartheid. I will only see them around elections. And my neighborhood is essentially most of the lower mid to lower working class sections of black+/immigrant new york. ( thingsiamreading latest post mentions that as well)

2) I have had it up to my eyeballs iwth the ( new term) " I am not that negro" journaliostic style. I'm sorry it was tired and trite by the Harlem Renaissance journalism style. IF Zora NEale Hurston can manage not to be an errant classist hosebag most of the time and she's doing pioneering folklore and journalism , then you with the world's most pretentions blog need to quit.

My new favorite is the fact that MULTIPLE articles are being written about how black peopel don't "get" or can't appreciate Janelle Monae. Based on air play ( mind you how many black owned networks and radio stations you know?), artistic milieu ( her ENTIRE STYLE TEAM IS BLACK AND FROM ATLANTA) or fan pages (QBG quirky black girls has her as one of our damn patron saints) . CRAM it you can not and will not make a respectable career of being just a lonely only , at least predecessors were good journalists and decent writers y'all seem to be un repentant sexist misogynistic wannabe scenesters.

3) I NEED to write about adhd

4) poverty lives in you I say this because my mom was damn VIGILANT vigilant abount " Just cause you are poor doesn't mean you must seems poor" and how hard she triedto make sure i knew how to comport myself. And I'm still losing my teeth form bad and horrible dentistry and dental care form my youth

5) It feels wrong in my soul to not be at AMC.

6) I can't take praise I cnat i believe the thing to do is be gracious and run RUN LIKE THE WIND !

7) Nothing looks quite as fly as presence and kindness.

8) Sara Palin stole the language of essentialness , immediacy , and urgency damn teh word feminism.

9) Is it wrong to figure out how radical you are because of how radical your not? IN so much that I sat with a hedgefund investor had a lovely time amazing convo we politely disagreed. And I thought you know if he stayed the way he was ( though I know he can't in full revolution) I wouldn't care much. Because he is not the focus of my revolution , I can't imagine centering my political views on making someone miserable versus healing and loving and supporting the afflicted . That just doesn't make sense to me. Someone tried an hour to talk to me about my brainwashing .

I pointed out that we could be talking a bout educating our babies , protecting our loved ones or art music and life but instead I'm talking about the man and white women . That's not radical , that's just combat. Love the belief that we are worthy not based on our relationship to others is radical.

10) Number 9 is why I don't think I can date someone as political as me. There seems to be a real specific brand of asshole condescension in " political" men of a CERTAIN stripe that doesn't manifest in dudes who arent .

11) So treu's response to Stuntin Part 1 is so just yeah I want black woman's round table on that HARD.

12) I have a distinct physical type in men, someone pointed out that four of my last 10 crushes not only looked alike but looked like each other's siblings, while another 2 were each other separated by 8 years. HA! ON this one thing I maintain consistency

13) anyone got a curly haircut hook up in NYC?

Notes on Stuntin

Hello so I wanted to give some thoughts on what happened during the so far 1 1/2 days of "stunting"

1) it is something I understand intellectually , but I never sit and focused on in a proactive sense. What the hell am I talking about ? The idea that a lot of my existance as someone is focused on making other people comfortable. And I am not talking the oft discussed " oh I'm not threatening" but also the " I have needs you are not meeting " so no this interaction/discussion/ is okay.

2) I found that the part I let out most was not my weight, my hair my size but my disability. ADD is veyr good at , especially in my " high functioning" sub type at making you feel that you shouldn't ask for people to stop , slow down ,let you ramble. Stuntin .. Yeah No . I'mma need you to wait , I need you to repeat that . I need you to understand I have that and if you want me to keep having that you need to stop talking.

3) Treating other people poorly or jsutifying that other people are treated poorly are in no way any part of me being able to stunt out . That is a really BIG part of the messages we get about beauty , ability, access , and race and gender expression. Not just that we are wrong but that there is ingrained in our wrongness a right to what really is abuse.

Like being expected to devalue yourself. Like ANYTHING that doesn't center someone else over you is WRONG

4) Flipside , a lot of being a " stunter" a " badbitch" a " diva" is predicated n treating other people like crap. SOme of it coded with sweet words and " good manners but still on asserting privilege.

5) none of which actually values what you are . It's weird as hell.

6) " Pretty women" or at least women who are conventionally pretty and have a lot invested in that kind of privilege. Have

NO DAMN IDEA what to do with themselves if you do not habitually cede the floor , same goes for whiteness/class/nationality

and this is not like oh I'm being mean but oh I'm not going to enter the convo at a disadvantage.

STUNT HARD

IF you are

1) fat

2) Natural

3) Black

4) queer

3) Latina

4) disabled

5) non gender binary reinforcing

6) Nappy

7) fat

8) no seriously really really fat

9) gloriously nappy

10) Asian/Pacific Islander

11) Native/Indiginous

12) Strongly built or "over tall"

13) Multiple Combinations and various permutations of ANY of the above

and are in a place where you are alone made to feel alone or pressure yourself to tone it down .

DO NOT

STUNT HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOW OUT LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER SHOWED OUT BEFORE!!!!!!!!!! ( only if you are physically safe to do so I am not a person who pretends we all can)

Eat a cake , go for a beautiful stroll as you are as fly as you wanna be, don't hide your limp, flame/ queen /agro like you never have before.

*GASP* wear a sleeveless t shirt while the flaps breeze and start a wave across the world.

You will not be alone today .

Because doing it, folding in on yourself still hasn't made the people who feel you need to happy and it wont make you happy.

* rummages for that dress that supposedly has too much "cleavage"

I quit the shame fest for the week

Stop Indulging ME

Thank you so much everyone truly truly but I will not be able to go to Little Light's wedding . I am writing and putting together my thank you's

but the donations were so necessary as they have helped me through an illness so thank you thank you thank you

but I know things are tight and if you have anyone else who needs it give it to them.