ehh i changed it

I'm a G cup. Now I'm also damn near 6ft about 200+ pounds , but even for a very busty fat girl .

I am in possession of enormous tetas. I can be covered from head to toe and if it is even remotely body conscious you will know two things

Baby got back and

Baby got bosom.

That is my natural state of being so no matter what i do I'm kind of immodest.

So much against my will I probably participated in Boobquake . Which makes me sad

Cause it's really frigging dumb and assinine.


Samia gets at the meat of it here , ( plus Hat tip to Lisa Harney for the awesome comment) but I wanted to jsut link some thangs together.

I deleted most of this because really Samia covers most of it and

the basic part of this is

• Conversations about atheism always center On Judeo Christian religions , while emphasizing Islam as the MOST EVIL ILLOGICAL BARBARIC RELIGION EVAH)*@#*)*)@*)!!!!!!!!! Mostly based on the thinnest veiled racism one can mange
• when a woman says an action isn't feminist I believe her , and frankly it shouldn't be forced to get publicity. That being said I love how a pronouncement against women meant to support women , that devolves into a " see smart girls are sexy too cause we have boobs " and can be snarky is NOT a feminist move, especially since it only gets pushed as NOT one when someone points out how much it sucks as one
  
• I am also amused as if anyone is shocked or actually scandalized about the pronouncement since I promise you PROMISE YOU this is nan near the first time something like this has been said
• It pisses me right the hell off that religion is always framed in terms of teh beliefs of middle to upper middle class people and monotheistic church values.
• Atheism : the new way spoon fed college dilettantes prove they're smart
• Most of my atheist shots are against this weird strand of atheist one only finds in western college students where in the atheism isn't really about , how religion is encoded in our lives, forced into our government and permeates structures while we claim to be secular . But a smarmy way of proving they're "smarter than you"

But my real tangential annoyance is the fact that boobgate emphasizes this straight up goddamn annoying facet of " new and empowered sexuality"

Where in it is always straight

always validated by male attention

always fine if accompanied by purple prose and some other you are putting down

and executed by someone we comfortably believes isn't doing this for work or god forbid non ironic enjoyment

and it centers around branding an action or this case a body part for their own selfish ends.

Aka

My breasts were coopted by a woman

But its okay cause she was mocking a muslim !

Forgive me

But on this one I have to punt.

I will always be concerned with immigration .

I am committed to doing work ( online) and offline that fights this asshatted clusterfuck that is our immigration policy and the sheer racist cockery is Arizona.

I may talk around it . I will link it in some pieces.

But I tried writing a bit.

and vomited.

I tried to watch the M.I.A video and my stomach lurched from the BEGGINING black screen.

This happening around teh five year anniversary

My father is fine , I'm going to see him ( i hope ) this august.

And I can't I just I can't

and me trying to figure it out in public with my accompanying diva aintics ain't useful

so

VivirLatino
Dumblr Bumblr Tumblr
Zuky
Nez

will keep you up todate ( these are the four I Frequent) and I will add to this list as I go but yeah

this kind of thing actually breaks people.

And I'm one of em.

words on WORD

Oh how I loved this . Like read it the first time and wept. Like reached into my chest and cried at night read it.

\.

The struggle I have with the blogging poetion as K brings up and is discussed here in comments is so much

and woman

WHO IS PART OF THESE GROUPS everyone keeps saying writing won't help

I know some things .

I know that I am an immigrant in my life first and foremost. I am the odd girl out , I am the too loud too foreign , do the shit work and then eat shit girl

But I am that in rarefied airs.

but the only reason a whole bunch of people listen to me at all is BECAUSE I'm in those airs.

so no while I cna't tell anybody elses story . My exsistance is a gateway a bridge over my back that maybe means you'll listen to stories of others with a little less prejudice than usual.

and all we have is our word so yes copy and pasting won't solve the problems .

It was nice that this coincided with National Poetry Month in so much as I have been thinking deeply about words versus your word
the idea that whatever you rattle off , every half cocked

I HATE HATE HATE

getting words

the talking till YOU feel good , till YOU feel the problem is covered

versus the committing to something with your faith ,

weight

I don't exactly know .

The words leave me but

"expression of self" plea for attention and grandstanding moment ( the fact that this was centered around actors performing THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES oh K you don't even understand)

As an ( former.wannabee /in limbo) actress I KNOW that in actors . Because every word , every line count is CRITICAL , you gotta be starving ( actually and metaphorically ) and desperate . You have to have a singular minded focus and determination to be noticed , WHILE convincing others that everything that makes YOU feel good and gives you attention is for a common good that will help the performance.

I can't even go for the easy one there.

But I also know what it's like to know that when you give voice to a word , when you get it right , when you find an action a kernel, when you sit or stand or speak and you are the only thing carrying a message a feeling a truth and someone ( and sometimes if the magical alchemy of miasma is with you that moment and entire room/audience. Some of it is that ooh attention but a good performance , a great performance is one where not only will THEY never be the same neither will you.

You have your words and then you have the word.

One of my favorite hymnals begins " in the beginning was the word"

as a performer as a writer I use words

but as a person concerned with social progressive as a person trying to be an active member of my communities in service to them

I use my words to give my WORD

that when I say this MATTERS to me I mean that I will treat it like that.

That I will write online but I will also honor the need to shut teh fuck up.

To give when I can.

To donate

To support
to volunteer.

To honor my commitments.

To be honest with failures

because my words are falliable my WORD is not

My WORD does not center on hope

When I give someone my word I don't ask them to wait for me to get it together but I promise them that from that moment of my word I am moving towards them and doing so without trying to tax their reserves

It's given freely.

Because it has no price, being poor anything I have made has been on the value of my word.

I will work harder than that other kid for this spot.

I will smile harder through bullshit for this college.

I will run and jump and sweat till I die

of how much feeling that the exchange of word or oath is CRITICAL when it's all you got

and reading Pilgrim Soul's piece made me think of that.

if i was to keep it in the online context it's not about the poppy tone or whether exercising personal power is the be all end all.

I think of all teh spaces I'm called to perform.

OF all the times I heard a woman (usually white) talk about her personal power and her fierceness .

And how much of it usually meant showing off to others in ways that taxed me , that degraded me , that took pieces of joy from me,

of having to grin and bear it and survive it cause

I need this job

i need this part

I need this joy however little bit I can carve.

Of how often exercising the personal power of words spoken written performed whispered

resulted not in building but tearing down.

In letting people know how much they are sidelines to the mainshow and hoping that our biggest goal was that maybe we too could join in.

and I ask myself how often it happens online is it ANY shock

That words function more to create divisions and meanness or to devalue themselves if there not in teh right mouths

I think that's why the FWD?Feministing thing bothered me more than any dust up I ever had with them

because words the things we throw around blogs those were fine

but they gave their WORD



and they broke it.

Not because they were taxed not because they were in durress but cause they felt like it

to preserve poppy books?

and I think that's why I cried I don't knwo

I can take being abused , I have been I right now am in daily ways

i can have my heart stomped on

I can understand it I can feel it
but

you hope or I hoped I hoped that this vison of feminsim ( AND NO THE RACIST SOLIPSITIC CLASSIST ASSHATTERY IS NOT ONLY ONLINE)

the words that bled online in conferences in board rooms in NGO's that some of it any of it would be backed by WORD

thatit built something

and we ended up with in terms of media

so much great stuff that has to claw to bleed to gasp and choke to get recognized

and a couple of sanitized repackaged trade paperbacks , shitty editorials , and nonsensical solilquys that call women names claiming to love them.

and it made people afraid and timid and sad and angry and

how i reject it and clutch to it

and that my entire body could come undone at someone even thinkinga bout it

and then again at the fact that's rare

and wondering if it's for anything at all.

snd hoping that that hymnal is right and that if i go with my WORD somewhere in tehre is a beggining

I got at LEAST five on it

Thanks Sylvia

BFP Computer Fundraiser: Keep Her Joy Flip Floppin’ It Like It’s Hot

Support BFP’s Computer Fundraiser!
(for the tl;dr crew)

Brownfemipower is one of my favorite bloggers and people on the internet. She is brilliant, open, and her sense of humor is out of this world. Plus we share a deep, unabashed love for Salma Hayek’s tetas.

In order for her to stay on the internet and spread her flip flopping joy far and wee, she needs to upgrade her computer. She wants to blog and write in style, and she has selected the Apple MacBook Pro as her goal computer. As a die-hard Apple fan I am proud of her choice; but we all know Apples do not run cheap.

From now until June 23, Miss BFP is fundraising for her new machine. She has a donation/gift scenario similar to that of a PBS telethon, and the goodies are just as rewarding:

Every person who donates will receive a gift!

For those who donate between:

$5-25: You will get a personalized thank you note from yours truly!

$26-50: You will get the personalized thank you note and a newly published zine!

$51-100: You will get the personalized thank you note, and two newly published zines!

Over $100: You will get the personalized thank you note, two newly published zines, and a surprise gift (I will tell you once you order–I only have certain quantities of each, so I don’t want to list them online!).

The bad news: Because this computer breaking down has taken me by surprise, I am only in the planning stages for the zines. So it will be up to two months before those of you who order zines will get them. So that you know what stage I am at making the zines, I will be documenting the process I go through to make them here on the blog. This has the added bonus of hopefully helping other people–so many people I know have expressed interest in making zines, but have also expressed not having any damn clue how to.

Not only can you get a treat, you also get a lesson wrapped around the treat. That’s what I call a great exchange. You can’t place a price on learning… but in this case, let’s give it a shot!

Please head over to her blog and give what you can. She has a Chip In donation badge on her sidebar. Keep my friend doing the great work she’s known for!

There was a Mistrial in the Duanna Johnson case.

Peopel fucking s uck

Women who run with wolves don't worry about name brands.

Okay I have to get this out.
But I would like to point out something that I felt in my bones when I read this by Lisa/Sudy
( amazing discussion here)
and the piece she links at the bottom here.

Especially considering the clusterfuck of entitlement that happened at the Jezebel site here ( via Womanist Musings)

I think that somehow that despite Renee's and others efforts ain't getting through.

The " WOC" that everyone is kind of referencing some better than others ( thank you very much Renee truly) aren't nebulous entities

In fact a good set of em weren't women and/or of color. In fact a few were men , white women, hell some were even GASP WHITE MEN!

And while the discussion of it in theoretical is truth .

It itches at me .

because while this is a big kerfluffle for feminist blogs

Femonomics has a n interesting discussion and a good partial primer but I wanted to clarify some things that a commenter posted and it got long :

This isn't new y'all.

It was what has become an almost final straw in a very coordinated and condoned silencing , erasure

and lets be honest lying about the mechanics and the history of feminist new media and women's media.

and I don't want to give a full out history lesson but

these WOC who are constantly spoken about as interlopers or newbies to online interactions or eulogized as people who have given up or withdrawn due to exhaustion ( and I have issues with that but I'm not the important one here)


are still going strong in the EXTREME some online

MANY offline

a good many have been blogging and organizing and interacting LONGER than these white ( wait mostly white with one or two POC that I HAVE tO INCLUDE OR JEZEBEL will be angry) sites have been in EXSISTANCE.

An originator one of the first an amazing writer and human being who has since ran for the promised land of her own amazing talent

Kortney formerly at blackademic is a PHD candidate with an internationally screened film and own media house.

And no it's not an accident that the last internet concerned post is from 2006/7 .

Adele Nieves from Liquid Words is Coordinating media for the USSF. The world didn't stop the work and the concern for the world didn't stop cause Seal Press and their writers stable circled round and decided stonewall what looked like actual progress.

And Maegan well she's been online for TEN YEARS is the editor of one of the premiere sites on LAtin@ news and is tireless for immigration reform.

And I'm doing Curriculum Collaboration for an amazing Community Arts Collective with a FIERCE WOC ( I usually look happier than that)

and writing a play and trying to apply to grad school and stay you know alive.

and I'm not even gonna go there with Crip chick and the amazing poetess that is Sylvia. etc etc

While yes it is definitely about the continued and nasty treatment of WOC as an entity what Renee brings up and Latoya alludes to are real incident's that concerned people . Real people that feminists people who claim to be concerned about

Treated like shit, or canon fodder.

That didn't roll over a die or stop working ( even though that you know might be completely within their rights) .

The book proposal for Yes Means Yes got rewritten by WOC and/trans people for inclusivity that didn't see a PENNY of the money or get bylines or even a mention. because they felt it was damaging and wrong and that it was the right thing to do

Mind you through this a good portion of this the reply was we don't MAKE MONEY ( which is now untrue)

but that history is erased

and it didn't happen to theories or " women of color" it happened to people . People that if they were on BIG sites it would be a crime to omit but because they are independent and or evolving are okay to subsume

To what is now ANOTHER unanswered question of what exactly was all the racism, classism , lying , BUT WHAT ABOUT MEING that happened/continues to happen.

What I find funny is that in the BEGGINING ( 2001 music plays) much of these discussions resolved with we're not editors/columnist/paid authors MSM so back off okay.

Now they all are and frankly much of it on the work of PEOPLE WITH NAMES that become this mass less blob.And they don't have rooms of their own" or extensive press coverage or however many odd visitors and they have SEEN people build that on either of their ideas

OR being complicit in their oppression.

It's not new , it's not " accidental" and I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's not just systematic racism and oppressiveness

but as well personal entitlement meanness and classic privileged woman antics ( the tactic pulled against Renee at jezebel is CLASSIC)

so when people go " Amanda handled that Well"

it's not a theory thing

it's a

Hey she was racist rude nasty condescending and pretty much plagiarized while silencing and discrediting the agency OF A WHOLE BUNCH of folks and then published a book filled with racist stereotypes that a whole bunch of white women paid no attention to

and then wrote empty aftermath of learning no noun responses to

AND GOT MONEY from it

but those WOC were the REAL ISSUE

or Jezebel is racist and classist and continually facilitates that but RENEE FORGOT THAT UM SOME PEOPLE OF COLOR ARE EMPLOYED THERE

but really these " discussions" are theoretical that happened to some WOC

Because while this is "nice" in and of itself, it's old .

The thing is that this is not our " job description" it's women who were talking about our lives

and yes that's good but

no they didn't

They are real people who manage very day to answer the question I asked Chloe with their LIVES

every day.

There is a RUSH to defend the label the " femi ( as description) section ,

but me I'm looking for the ist

The part that makes it an action,

the part that makes it a thing work dedicating YOUR LIFE not JUST your career to.

We ran before Nike told us we need sneakers and wrote before Montblanc said we needed pens

We loved before books told us we did it wrong.

And we sang long before autotune and as many women show us we fight for our lives and ourselves without having to go I'm a feminist

so Chloe Shelby anybody tell me why exactly I NEED to do this because while that may be in you job description , the stuff being done is in our LIFE descriptions.

And nope I still don't have an answer . Case you were wondering.

Tina Fey

I have a better post/s brewing. But this one had to get out.

Tina Fey has ALWAYS had a sharp edged ( and often MEAN) sense of humor , that verged happily in self righteous judgy snappishness.

It's okay it makes her funny.

I also have NEVER heard her espouse much beyond her enjoyment ( and struggle) with her own life as she sees it.

When we giggle and guffaw at her Sarah Palin shots we are laughing not at a politically adroit masterful capturing of her flaws and our consummate obsession with it ( though I think She could )

We're laughing and pointing at the " dumb girl"

And yeah it's not form her brilliance , which she is , but her brilliance combined with her sene of I am right and can make it funny.

Bitch is the new black was hilarious RIGHT?!?!?

So if you think that someone;s exisistance is fodder comedy and that that fodder is to be used meanly and indiscriminately . Please don't be shocked at it being used AGAINST you when the person stops identifying with you

As well please stop thinking that identifying with every well reviewed even remotely like you star OWES you something

I know that it's your personal dream to have every piece of media treat you with kid gloves and demand that you not have ANY sense of anything else so that every time this happens
YOU ARE BETRAYED

AND BLINDSIDED

AND SUDDENLY discover that wow Tina Fey is a traditionally attractive thin white woman who SUDDENLY wasn't THAT DIFFERENT

and even if you MUST

please try and make it sound like something other that whining and foot stamping or at least please stop clogging up my google reader,facebook and twitter


Me the evil annoyed bitch trying to find UGLY BETTY popculture commentary

Dear Chloe

Dear Chloe,

I am writing this letter to you because it’s a habit of mine.

I find that when I write a letter to a person instead of an concept or a history of oppression , or a convoluted backstory, I default less into the

Great Guyanese Amazonian Opera Rage and subsequent Drama Empressing that while a facet of myself I am deeply proud of not one I want to use right now.

Because your op ed upset me. in the usual ways that essays written in this vein do. They pissed me off when I was 16 years old reading them on Salon.com and the upset me when I was 24 being written about on Salon.com.


So heres the thing I don’t like I’m not a feminist but....

But I try to think of people

And it’s awfully presumptuous ( and really it’s kind of nasty and patronizing) for you to come out of your mouth the way you do about what that phrase is when you focus your feminism so solidly on the commerce producing ego stroking veins of it.

Because while I don’t like it in the way you talk about it ( and really a this point I’m not actually clear )

I also think do you or anybody who writes this kind of thing think about anybody else but the women the see as themselves ?

I think of the woman who works 65 hours a week in a job she NEEDS to survive and has racist misogynistic evil jokes told around her , or sees the liberties taken on the young girls in her circle and steps in and DOES something ,safety be damned, because watching that girl cry every day brings out something in her that can not stay silent.

I think of the 14 year old girl who stands up for the “fugly dyke bitch with the hairy legs” in her high school ( which so many young “feminists” support in theory but spend reams of paper and loads of shoe leather running away from) to the boy she likes , and the possible ire of every student she knows because she can’t exactly explain it and she’s not the type to throw middle fingers up but no one should feel like that every day of their life.

I think of the cross wearing bible thumping, GW Bush loving knitting circles that gave donations and made visits and made blankets for immigration detention centers . Because a family is a family and ones trying to stay together shouldn’t be treated the way America treats em, politics be damned.

I think of the women who post 9/11 made sure to escort Hijabbi women to grocery stores and doctors visits and put themselves in what they KNEW was bodily arm because they BELIEVED to the bottom of their souls that this , this is America and we don’t do this and until America remembered that, they were gonna make sure these women lived some SEMBLANCE of their lives knowing someone cared about their safety.

And yes I think of the woman in a bar in a class room , in any space that knows exactly what it means to be labeled a feminist, knows the stigma and knows what it can mean from social castigation to the very real threat of possible bodily harm.

And speaks /acts/does anyway.

When there is no publicity, applause, likes/pats on the head on the other side. When there isn’t the backing of your Ivy League brand ( and I’m allowed to thumb at it I went to Penn), or your Upper Middle Class college educated safety and social circles.

What about those where it means that I may not pick up the name brand but I feel it is important enough to me and my fellow woman to SPEAK?

The idea that you can take a complex and fraught and scary relationship and distill it to some armchair quarterback psychology and the patronizing “ you can do better girls” is insulting

But from the way you wrote it I’m not sure you care. You either haven’t heard a lick about me or what you have hears is not good. I’m Sydette also known as Blackamazon and I’ve been in some kerfluffles with your site mates. And by kerfluffles I mean boycotts are ongoing , chairs were thrown, and lots of stuff was/is /has been interchanged.Renee does a better job ( and more than I’m willing to give at this point) summarizing SOME of the stuff ( the PWD thing is till in mind an epic of nasty meanness that should be spread far and wide) that went down only with YOUR website , but be a little respectful

This isn’t the first time at this rodeo for me and it probably isn’t for the women you judged . Well let’s be fair from the things you talked about you probably weren’t thinking about them because really

having those concerns about a word is for OTHER people

being in the muck and mire and the actual fear of it is for THOSE people

( and I’m gonna taper off cause now I’m getting a lil realer than I meant to)

for the final part of my letter

May I ask ?

What will all of us saying I’m a feminist bring?

What is this feminism in your eyes and what are ten points that it brings that will fix all those pretty numbers you throw out but more importantly the lives of the people I think of.?

What will slapping a brand on my thoughts like a burning circle do for anyone I mentioned , hell what will it do for you.

I asked a whole bunch of my online friends to push this forward, black people , white people , Asian latino, PWD , queer, cis trans.

Because this is also an appeal to them.

What exactly is this shift that will happen ?

and NOT for your ability to get more op-eds, co opted gentrified rooms of your own and fuzzy feelings at hearing just one word

Because my nastiness aside ( Sorry I tried to reign most of it in but it’s a REAL issue a hurtful one dating back to before my great grandma) I do want to talk

so I’ll make a deal I’ll do one too if you ask but can you show me what screaming I’m a feminist will do for those women, my friends who will chime in , hell me

because we may not agree but you feel passionately enough to write about it so you must have some idea

Right

You’re not talking to talk so let’s talk

because if you can actual show me how it would WORK towards these things I will be the first behind shouting it out and

the funny thing is those women you’re critiquing probably would too.

All My best,

Sydette

I held a woman in my arms as she had seizures

on my train

and we talked

the whole train talked .

We talked in that way that you only really talk when it's a whole bunch of us from the hood , from all walks .

And in a very amazing very real way we problem solved as a small instant community .

I want to say I was this noble Amazonian figure full of wisdom and jumping in to help , but to be real .

I splurged on semi expensive sound isolating headphones so for the most part I can happily and fully ignore situations like these. Work involves me solving people.s lives , a four hour commute , and existential angst equals a tired Amazon.

And I was NOT let me repeat NOT the most useful person there. I provided a smile , a warm bosom and “ made her laugh”

People around me had actual medical knowledge, family member knowledge and money for cabs And were able to better advocate for her deep desire to NOT go to a hospital again.

She told me lot’s of things which I will not share because I can’t assure she’d see this and as such it’s not my business to tell like this.

But I do know she made me want to write again and smile again and be in community again.

Because I was not the most useful person there but i was still useful.
it is important at this juncture in terms of media , new old, on paper , on iPad, on smartphone to focus on the idea we are in community with each other and

That our contributions are valued


Not liked or necessarily agreed with or valued

but valued

and it is important to tell stories not just of what we hate , of what we snark , of what we LOVE or possess infantile obsessions with

but of the things that form us in real ways


Without the preoccupation of whether or not it will be popular and loved

Now please believe

I have been feeling " less" for a while , stopped blogging cause I couldn't really remember why I started , and only having a flicker when I read my loves or read the reinvention of history that passes for discussion ( and yeah i’m going in on that because I waited three weeks and it STILL Chaps my ass)and “ truth telling”. It WILL involve axe grinding persay but shit I have to keep it sharp !

but I am struck by something that sudy said that I noticed in February but that more than ever speaks to me now

Pretty much all of this

but for me it was the other way around.

I wrote because there was and is

NO ONE LIKE ME.

and more importantly I don’t believe there should be.
Not to teach ( though I love it)

Not to be right because that removes myself from from the moment

I am on a journey other people are on other journey’s but my journey my life was focused not on assuming an identity : blogger/feminist/writer/cognoscenti

but on creating a life and a space and a way for myself and others

but most importantly being concerned with the growth and expansion of that ability.

And that’s not just artists but people women all of them it’s about not JUST telling a story but about showing why that story in anyway has relevance as a member of community

not a spokeswoman or emblem but a member.

A creator

with what little i have and that means takingout teh headphones and teh sadness and teh entitlement and joining the world