Pain Porn

It's been a real rough time to try and blog not so much personally rough. But rough in the 500 piece Beatle White Album puzzle.

The first thing I did at AMC was the Women's Equity Media Caucus ( which full disclosure I am still involved with for hope ) .

And my sisters
can tell you
more about that.

The inside/outside role is special in those cases.

Because you can't forget

No matter what you are IN the room. Something about you , your work your life, luck of the goddamn draw means your in the room.

And when your there your glad , sometimes cause you've arrived.

Other times because being in the room lets you know how many decisions and discussions and deals .

God the deals.

Listening to someone say I am here because I know what deals get made and I need to be here because my people get fed or not fed by these deals.

That you can't walk out , that god maybe maybe this time it won't be that again.

That inside the room you won't be outside.

And then you open your mouth, maybe you ask can we clarify gender ?

Please don't take my picture.

What black folk are you exactly talking to? How is this my rep . I didn't elect this person?

And you think people think you're an outsider like a vampire a leather jacket.

And you get there and the tension makes you ssquirm and burn because for you this is not just "awkward".

That that outside, that foreign is in the room in your body, in this chair wondering if right now it's safe to be here.

And I'm scared because I don't want to.

I don't want to become that girl with the story again.

Because when I say it someone releases someone comes to something and it feels like porn sometimes.

Pain porn a line I am stealing from witchsistah here:


That no one believes you till they come somewhere to a realization to an understanding. Safe set up distant from the dirt . Raw enough to get off on but far enough to be processed " intellectually"

" People will KILL me"

" ICE has been in my house"

" He beat me "

" People told me I was ugly every day"

" People treat me like a zoo animal now"

That climax that part of yourself that gets hurt over and over and over again

gets hurt one more time.

Pain porn. It's made on our sweat and passion and lives and it's packaged digestably into bite size bits . And really it's never good until a liquid flows.

Maybe if we are very very lucky it's just tears.

It gives a release a shake off a boost if you will.

Now you can sieze the day ,now you can believe the words,

Maybe you feel justified in the mission to save " those poor girls"

as if the problem was the porn itself, as if it was our lives that were the issue

and not the feeling that we were disposable digestable and used for certain purposes.

That peopel talk about us all the time , we're ON the agenda but we don't set it

And many of us ain't gonna do it no more.

But I

I honestly don't know.

I'm built like an ox maybe I can take it?

Maybe if I keep ending up in rooms, and saying

" No really this thing these people you keep talking about and around and planning for , NO really maybe this time you stupid stupid assholes you'll get these are people!?!?!"

That we're not a documentary where you can write about us from 64 million dollar budgets and Maybach Benzes and tell us why we shouldn't be angry about you making your name telling the world how we fail at life.

That I am real, and those immigrants are real, and those women are real and not conditional and that mama is real.

And those cuts we made and the sheer pain we feel at those sounds and the eating to feel the ground or the starving just to clock out are real real.

That maybe this screaming match about the lies you believe about us/me /this/that.

Maybe if we coallate the data and postulate and point out and figure it out one more gain we can get into the NEXT room that if we cry hard enough

We'll finally STOP having something to cry about.