walking

I am trying to write to stave off a massive depression.

I am very very tired.

I feel safe almost nowhere, I feel full of unfinished ideas , and thoughts and drives

and I have little desire to finish them.

I eat when I remember to which is mostly defined by a work schedule, i do not enjoy the sun.

I am finally beginning to understand the message.

I take up too much space.

I read that and I want to say yeah, and in my hear I do for Baby BFP. Someone should take up space I'm just not sure it should be me anymore.

What gives me any right?

I do not take pictures for the most part because I believe they are giving away parts of your soul.

And little bits of my soul get taken from me everyday

and that is the way the world works.

I have to smile and be thankful and cheery because maybe just maybe that little bit of dignity here, that piece of your heart there.

Might pay your cell phone bill.

Everyday people quietly and silently or loudly and repeatedly let me know

they are better than me.

Or I am not worth it.

and you steal yourself because it is all you know how to do.

but why do that .

Because you are not allowed to feel pain.

" But I didn't know that"

Because finding out what happens when it comes to me/my community/my loves /my life, it's not like anyone could be bothered to research.

It's not like we are worth it in the face of whatever book/article/shiny movement that PROMISES PROMISES THIS FUCKING TIME

to get it right.

and it's not like when you leave the door , you don't see very pot hole, abandoned building shitty train line that will not get fixed no matter how many times you call or scream or cry .

Won't be getting fixed.

That never getting a good's nights rest , that horrific feeling that no one is coming for you if you cry.

Might very well be true.

To take up space because every little bit you do is some that's something hurtful can not that doesn't delight it watching you bleed that hurts

That eating and eating because you think that space means you will be left alone

And finding out you won't

and losing and losing because you are just to tired to try for any real food anymore

To witness yourself being talked around and spoken around and denied while people make meals off of ideas that you even know aren't new when you did them and damn sure aren't new when they got torn from a woman you love?

Of literally people talking around the existence of women doing amazing work to one line cheer blurbs?

of loosing friends and loved ones because you just have no time to pick up the phone.

of letting others go because if one more person goes well you know you'd fit in more if you

and lying alone wondering what if they are right

of after every erasure and nastiness and theft and disregard

being discovered

and while you and yours decide between the fucking rent or your loans. Your jewelry or your fare

demanding to be sympathetic when someone isn't getting a fucking handstand over another bourgeoisie appropriating class marker.

demanding you condone violating victims because hey it makes them SUPER liberal

and by super liberal it means they watch the daily show and ask other writers to do their analysis FOR THEM


and bad mouth mediums that are doing better at their "inclusion" THAN THEY ARE

THAT EVEN YOUR REST PLACES

are

zoos

and fish bowls

where people can't say your name

like you aren't in a skin everyday that makes life DIFFICULT but you are so scary!!!!

and for what

for people who don't possess have the gumption or fortitude to understand the real work of writing

who would celebrate the dying of a industry VITAL to our survival

because they get to be "important" when it goes on the cheap but have little to nothing to say

to support a world where men beat a man to death for speaking Spanish and go FREE!.

To live a life like this

where your world is abused and hurt and dumped on and you have to apologize for having feelings

where people think so low of you and what you love and work for that you tell them there is death and murder and rape

that trey push you and push you and push you till you have no place left but to do what they ALWAYS want make it you attacking them

and then no matter what , no matter what you say or do, they get chance to leave a fucking room cause no matter what has been done is being done if they're uncomfortable they get to leave.

that you can't shake the feeling that is what you get for taking up any space at all.

Sometimes I am so sad I don't know how i get up in the morning