In Love

Our session had one rule :

Speak with love for and about women of color.

And so said so done. I still am alight over this session and what transpired in it . Because we planned it from that place .

I WISH

I could say the same for the rest of the experience.

I truly can not fully process what when on yet.

I know i found so much deep love in my heart for humanity, WOC , allies, people working to be allies, our elders, my wifey, Detroit and this life of committing to work.

I also know at one point i got so angry I threw a chair , to go looking for someone so they could explain their Commentary to a friend of mine about her work to a table of women she had effectively tried to silence .

Either willingly or by me dragging said person to said table by the scalp.

Thankfully love prevailed and I sat my young hot headed ass down.

I know I laughed well into the morning with these women over trying to find pizza " lanky gangly goodness" and giraffes beating each other.

I know that at some point my wifey had to get up and leave a speech from the front row because it was literally too much to bear any more.

I also know that when it was need these women banded around us and more importantly her to make us feel safe and cared for in a city that OBVIOUSLY couldn't give a fuck. And when we needed we just SCREAMED in downtown Boston.

I know that I was treated as something to see. To be watched playing with my girls. to be perplexed over joking with my wife, to stared in the face and ungreeted as if I didn't belong. To have women regard me with the same fear and " shookness' . they would regard a person trying to steal their purse, to KNOW in your bones you had become a topic of conversation to the point that greeting the person after you in a space with a smile and a hello , cause them to jump gasp stutter and step away from you before collecting themselves. To have no words to describe it but bending over and GASPING for air while having your friends rub your back.And to have everyone pretend you must be too stupid to know.

I know that I was treated as something to see. To have people drive and travel and come to see you through pain and the evil that is Boston and to give them the love in physical form that however debated and considered you are was from love. To have an elder stand in your presence and bring so many generations and love into a room that literally you have to gasp from the joy of it. To meet someone whose work at one point saved your life by being " FIERCE ". To not have any words to describe it abut babbling I love you's.To have a thank you shake you to your core.

I know what's it like learn some thing s will never make you stop crying. And as long as you are you you can't be quiet about it. To know that those who cry with you are engaging in prayer. To turn to an entire room of women and have every single part of you want to scream obscenities at how when these things which destroy life's we are considered about the press coverage . To just pray so hard not because you believe you can be heard but because it is the only thing keeping your heart rate under stroke level.

I know what it is to sweat your prayers, to laugh , to drink not to be social but because it is part of your socializing to be determined to look for a party till you freeze. To laugh over no yahtzee's and to walk into a room of hotties ;)


It's a start.

My wife will be posting here , uncensored ( and she's meaner than me) , I will be reading and responding to the WOC.

Recommitting to using this blog as a part of community so please leave me links and sleeping.

But first i need to wash this off and wash it in.

In love.

Blackamazon
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Notes so far from WAM

Our session went wonderfully. Like so wonderfully that I wanted to alight on air.

The feeling of having what you do giving women a place to feel loved and cared for able to do the work of learning to live and take on the world not with hate but with a love a of self.

God I love these women . You have no idea how much I love these women. And how much i love this work

I MET OCTA !


Octa baby GORGEOUS. I'm mad I missed dinner cause i basically came home and fell the fuck out with the WOC just defragging

I really REALLY am over being " watched" .I knwo i don't help it because my natural response to times when i am comfortable is to look back and hard. Also I as a principle DO NOT introduce myself to people who stare at me , but I WILL stare back.

and yes the wifey is a big blonde white woman why is that so odd. And would you prefer to take pictures?

THIS IS NOT A FUCKING FREAK SHOW!





But hey went to QWoC reception going to QWOC ladies night. AWESOME

Oh and will elaborate later

But on some real don't mess with my fam.

Fuck Seal Press.





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I'm at WAM

Yeah I love my girls and uh Yeah

I can't even begin anywhere just.

Yea I love my wife , my Nadia, my Sudy , my Adele , my Mehta, my Lex and my BFP

I met Echdine! YEAH !

and the rest
well there's liquor for that

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I AM GOING TO WAM

I go to wam on friday!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


i ahave many ideas but uh

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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One Before Bed

So I am trying to do that hing I did in one of my favorite college classes where I write straight for one hour . I cna not censor my self or go bac . I cna correct spellig mistakes but no back tracking.

I watched Obama's speech aand I can't be anything but...

I am so sad and

Furious.

I can't really articulate it I have started and stoppe dposts time an time agin , but what bothers me I think, well part of it is

just the sheer mindless arrogance of the response to it.

The fact that he gave it was amazing , the speech itself was excellent ( though hey am i the only one who hear the terrorism of Radical islam and went when oh when will be upfornt about how ALLL radical sects religions are frightening and dangerous and not do teh easy anti-arab and muslim baiting) and teh significance of WHERE he delivered it, but for what's precipitated it. I am just

Most of this identity politics bullshit, teh wya it ACTUALLY played out in the media , was post shots at women of color and black people.

No one for a SECOND except to be witty questioned the idnetity politics of peopel voting for Edwards or Kuchinich , and frankly for real for real peopel barely questioned the identity politics of WOMEN who voted for Hillary.

No it was a long ass discussion why black women weren't voting the way theys hould cause we we're " seduced" ( wohoo both hot jezebel and threatening black sexuality in one swwop)

And suddenly when Obama 9 rightfully and smartly) states ish most black peopel HAVE to figure out by ohhh say sophmore year of college, it's a GASP.

Yeah we talk about this , yes we actually of a fierce and fiery commitment to our own life experiences and staying the fuck alive , and we get angry.

Yes angry, and I am angry , and why shouldn't I be.Why shouldn't pastor wright be?

Why shouldn't he say taht this is a case of America reaping teh things it has sown.

And no you know what racism even benign stupid ignorant entitlement liberalist racism , isn't " harmless"

Every time someone ignores, obsfuscates, or sings some god awful ignorant ass " but can't we get along/focus on these issues prioritize " yadayad. gues what that tends to mean for Black people/WOC?poor people/disabled peopl?

"Hope you like asphalt home because prepare to be thrown under the bus"

And you know what else it's that the refusal continually and explicitly by every single fucking white woman who ahs opened her mouth on almost any commentary on this campaign, the state of feminism, to even acknowledge that this is a HISTORY A PRESENT and what looks liek a FUTURE , hat aggravates my soul.

Everybody is setting out young vs. old.

OUR TiME

look how this shows we're not equal!

And today today I read bfp's about a mother losing her three kids, and a man she at one point loved to a system that repeatedly gave a cookie to itself for giving a fuck this time that three precious brown babies went missing.

And it's hard becuase I really can't convince anyone of this ( nor do i really care to) but my heart is bent always toward forgiveness. I say sorry for EVERYTHING, please and thank you for everything, because people should KNOW they are heard and appreciated and valued , and I may be nobody but at least they know in their interactions with me as best I can that someone values them.

and I read news coverage, and am linked and read and suddenly everybody has upped their ccoverage , peopel FINALLy remember brown folk exist!

SEE WE DID IT !

I dare someon who name checks intersectionality, bell hooks,BCOB, Smith to truly grapple with what the said.

I want to see that.

i wnat to see anything that doesn't fucking feel liek a checklist .

That it wasn'ts omething to do

like

!) BUy groceries
2) pay light bill

3) try and not be racist fuckhead
4) congratulate self on not being racist fuckhead

and I jsut get I want to say mad but in reality it's probably sad.

I am supposed to yeah you?

Because you took your head out of your sphincter long enough to realize we were here?

You steal from our mothers, feed off our sons, demonize or erase our fathers, and seem new and sickening ways to co opt abuse and try and destroy our daughters and I am s upposed to be thank ful.

Why isn't about putting our voices forward instead of making YOUR voices more into that lovely fantasy you have of yourself.

Why isn't about public honest recconciliation , and ACTUAL WORK , instead of about " we've taken your ideas into counsel"

And you knwo what bothers ME the most about it when it's brought to ME?

I REALLY DON' T THINK I HAVE THAT MANY NEW IDEAS

I can quote you in most cases chapter and verse what springs boards me to what I am doing where i am , and when peopel go I never heard taht before

I WANT TO HIT THEM!

Yes you did!

YOU DID YOU DId1

someone you KNWO said this , but the package wasn't Ivy League educated or didn't speak french, or wasn't busty and pretty or " hip to know' I know you heard this before.

CAUSE i 've been hearing these thoughts all my life not from professsors alone , but teh cleaninglady , teh janitor, the ssecurity gaurd.

and when I think of the stuff BFP linked it makes me even mor emind whirry

because for me , the way I am academia is where I should be.

and to do so I have to buy into this odd AIc that believes knowledge is codefied and reserved for the privileged and " proven"

proven what ?

Most of my class mates had no desire to learn simply to beat each other.

Much of what I learned was so counterintuitive to teh way i felt about knowledge

and frankly alarge part about this blog taht i am thankful for is being able to DE TEACH myself those lessons

that feeling teh act of studying folsk and not letting em know isn't good research practice but fucking shady

that Shakespeare without context isn't just calssical canon but half ass bullshit.

and i am so mad becuase really I love writinga nd exchanging ideas and instead I and liek all of us who have 9-5 's babies and lives taht for osme reason aren't as sanctioned

we have to figt for these inches tooth and nail.

Ic an;t comment and exchange with JOan Kelly teh wya i wnat, I HATE having to drive by on BFP's , I cna'te ven keep up with my email i have let it slide SO bad, jeesus I wnat to right Donna and sudy and aaminah long getting to knwo you emails

ad some hwo i NEED to make this work caus eit's what keeps me sane.

I want to read ren more than once a week, and be deep the way i was at the museum butc an't.

I also miss and i will forever my roomates!

I have to start dating , becuase this instinct of mine o scratch and or curl up any nice warm male human being cna' be good or safe

wifey keeps asking me to work on wam ish

and can i confess I don;t at all feel safe and i knwo im not cuase my tummy hurts and im eatinga lot again and then at tiems i don't

that im scared to be in palce where the one thing that prioritizes WOC is well WOC., that

NEEDING to do this for GRadschool is frightening to me the idea that i have to net work and market myself

eep takes me places I don't lik

AnD CAN I PLEASE NEVER HEAR ABOUT ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKING GOVERNORS SEX LIFE!

wow they have sex., entilted men have large abounts of entiled sex and i wish never tos e eany o f it

cna we not care

or maybe im angry cause eliot spitzer can get laid and I can't

could be


Dear god i need a new computer and to start fundraising and cerap i hate doing it.

14 hours i ve stopped beinga s sad or even whiny but sheesh

i can has fulfiling job with somewhat reasonable day soon

and damn it im really horny

-------------------------------

Well that was somewhat sucessfull as you can tell i gave up on the spell checking and I cna say I went back on ly about five times. si enjoy your glimpes into my mind.




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A Quick Post Before Work

Today on GMA


A black man

A white woman


questioned

by a white man

on what race is America will be like

after Barack Obama

after he said

what Patricia Hill Collins said in the 80's

what Audre Lourde said in the 70's

and what Ida B Wells said in the 60's

I mean 1860's

and only part of what Andrea Smith can't keep her job for saying in 2008



and one of the first things I heard was where is HILLARY''s commentary


Geraldine Ferarro is right

He is only there because he is the BLACK candidate

No one noticed that only Obama

HAD

to give

a commentary to save a campaign

where he is in the lead

because that is what is American
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The Spectacle of Tears

Those Tears, Chrystos

Those Tears
of a white woman who came to the group for Women of Color
only
her grief cut us into guilt while we clutched the straw
of this tiny square inch we have which we need
so desperately when we need so much more
We talked her into leaving
which took 10 minutes of our precious 60
Those legion white Lesbians whose feelings are hurt
because we have a Lesbians of Color Potluck
once a month for 2 hours
without them
Those tears of the straight woman
because we kicked out her boyfriend at the Lesbians only
poetry reading where no microphone was provided
& the room was much too small for all of us
shouting that we were imperialists
though I had spent 8 minutes trying to explain
to her that an oppressed people
cannot oppress their oppressor
She ignored me
charged into the room weeping & storming
taking up 9 minutes of our precious tiny square inch
Ah those tears
which could be jails, graves, rapists, thieves, thugs
those tears which are so puffed up with inappropriate grief
Those women who are used to having their tears work
rage at us
when they don't
We are not real Feminists they say
We do not love women
I yell back with a wet face
_Where are our jobs? Our apartments?_
_Our voices in parliament or congress?_
_Where is our safety from beatings, from murder?_
_You cannot even respect us to allow us_
_60 uninterrupted minutes for ourselves_

Your tears are chains
Feminism is the right of each woman
to claim her own life her own time
her own interrupted 60 hours
60 days
60 years
No matter how sensitive you are
if you are white
you are
No matter how sensitive you are
if you are a man
you are
We who are not allowed to speak have the right
to define our terms our turf
These facts are not debatable
Give us our inch
& we'll hand you a hanky.

It is the spectacle no?


That part of it, that no matter what no matter who that somehow there is a "right" to tell me how to be for YOU?

That I must take a moment to validate efforts whether i Find them good or not for YOUR peace of mind.

I ma neither hear to save feminism nor end it, cheer it nor mourn it.

I am here to take my,our THAT inch.

I will save a woman above a word EVERY time.

I will place my little red jumpsuit, her crossing of the border , her love of Allah , her denouncing of god, and zer love of pussy before tea on good china

Every time.

I would rather shed a thousand tears and beat my breast a thousand times , than feel the end of my life and my work is validated by where I sit on a dais.

For every 8 stolen minutes , I will shred these fingers to the bone to get back ten.

And if I must get them back floating on a RIVER of your tears

So be it.

Tears poured down an unwilling throat from above are simply torture.

but you knew that

hoping every time you could make us bend our backs to willingly drown.


And demand the right to pick our carcasses because after all there are your


Tears





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Happy Women's Day

to the end of the road.

Cause this one right here ain't gonna be fixed.

The Hurting Time has only JUST begun.

I promised not to write on this . I did.

But


What do I keep telling folks about messing with my Sylvia?

Hi NOW?

Congratulations. For in the highway of political advocacy you instead of moving ungraciously as possibly to irrelevance and entitled turpitude did the excellent speed

Straight into offensive racist entitled BULLSHIT.

Congratulations.

Please know that every time your name comes up to me as a WOC and to anyone who is in within earshot of my mouth ( and it is big ) , my words for involvement with you will be

RUN RUN THE FUCK AWAY.

It' s not enough the divisive elitism and pandering. The magical ignorance of any otehr reproductive right besides abortion. It's not teh obvious and exclusionary pandering and trite tokenism.

How dare you?

How dare you come out of your mouths and even DREAM of alledging OR claiming to do these things and with the same vim and vigor say that you want to end racism.

Adn let this shit:

As Wagner and other NOW executives toured Ohio last week, they repeated a resounding message: Clinton has been mistreated by an opponent who subtly demeans her, by a mainstream media that ridicules her, by voters too threatened to vote for a confident woman, by young women who no longer feel the urgency of the women's movement, by African American women for whom race is more important than gender.

Stand?


How dare you?

Let me be simple really really simple.

rac·ism (rā'sĭz'əm) Pronunciation Key
n.

1. The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others.
2. Discrimination or prejudice based on race.

Wait a minute ? The belief that AA women , teh prejudging that these women are voting on race . That's not racism?

The belief in their stupidity and unreliability based on their balloting while judging isn't racism?

But forget that it's the first female candidate.. EXCEPT WAIT IT'S NOT.

But wait let me concentrate on the PERSON I love.

Congratulations you have taken a 22 year old and made her sad and disillusioned with the political process.

Not because she is stupid., but because she is smart. Because she made up

HER OWN GODDAMN MIND.

Not a single challenge to this , because don't she understand it's not her turn. Not that you disagree with her opinions , but that her right to vote unencumbered as a young black woman has to WAIT till you get your first candidate?

Not THE first candidate , but YOUR first candidate , the one that looked more like her than you, wasn't good enough?


And you know what will always and has always pissed me the FUCK off about this?

In all of the highminded, " but what does FEMINISM" need or " why young/old/black/Latino women don't you do what I WANT?"

No one has asked the women.

No seriously i invite you at this moment to go read every single traded op ed, think piece, long winded mealy mouthed piece of blow hard faux commentary

HAS ANYONE ASKED THE WOMEN?

The young women, the women of color?

Has any one used the word dialogue and not meant hey other elite woman lets talk some more to EACH OTHER about these women as THEIR VOICES?

*waits *

To talk ABOUT us as if we are on auction block ,under microscope, and in petri dish . As if we are a singular phenomena

that's not racism, that's not classism.

And to constantly without fail frame our issues as infighting.

* SCREAMS*

STOP IT

WE"RE


NOT


IN


That's the whole point isn't it. We're not in.

We're not in , these safe dialogs where it's okay to have symbolic victories. We're not in where we can vote for people who move us for nothing , and as soon as we stopping falling in line, abandon us as unimportant.

We're not in enough to have our votes counted fairly the first time.

We're not in to have people care about actually hearing our voices over "Fairness" ( YEah hillary lost my vote which she never had teh minute she tried to disenfranchise half of Las Vegas for having jobs)

SHIT WE 'RE NOT IN TO VOTE AT ALL!



But Congratulations.


The class ceiling maybe broken the glass shards will kill the rest of us.

ANd for everyone who thinks they can talk this out.

How do you talk to someone who for all their speechifying never hears your words?

How do you talk to someone who in essence wants you to shut up?

How do you talk to someone who would rather save a word than your rights?

How do you talk to someone who only likes you in pictures?

HOw do you talk to comeone who decides that you trying to make the choices for your best life is something you can wait on

Cause you owe them, cause they paid for you?


Enjoy Women's Day it's obvious we ain't.

Edited to Add

WHERE IS MACEO WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

No seriously, Glori Steinem, Roseann Barr, Erica Jong. Telling a PERSON OF COLOR IS RACISM,(for some off ass reasons these people think that saying this to man somehow mitigates their ugly ugly racism )and yes I mean RACISM cause look it if you tell someone their not ready cause his race needs TO BE TRUMPED by your WHITE representation of Gender, so slow down boy and put your coat down so the party can heal and we can feel safe in our upper middle class lives.


THAT'S RACIST. Considering ALL OF YOU WERE ALIVE WHEN CHISOLM WAS RUNNING, why come nobody has smacked me in teh head with it's time for THAT WOMAN editorials????


I will take them DEAR GOD I WILL TAKE THEM?


And no I'm sorry this bullshit is not met with mealy mouthed " lets talk"

No seriously

PRINCE SAYS NO.

How the fuck DARE YOU?!

I love how these assholes and yes i said assholes (because any other curse word I could come with offends MY ears), believe that they can advocate what their advocate amongst each other 9 hello mostly white party)


and on either side , the flag bearing racist symbolic sycophants, or the mealy mouthed " Can't we all just get along and talk and "


NO THE ONLY PERSON WHO GETS TO ASK THAT QUESTION IS THE PERSONS GETTING THE ASSWHUPPING

any thing else is you standing by while it's delivered.

HOW MOTHERFUCKING DARE ANYBODY SAY THIS SHIT OR ASK FOR RECONCILIATION

WHEN THE PEOPLE BEING STOMPED ON ARE BEING IGNORED OR ONLY HALF REFERENCED ( Dr. Lacewell you never wrote anything and Ms Walker they didn't read anything you wrote EVEN THOUGH I SWEAR TO GOD with that Penn degree everyone keeps yelling at me for YOU WAS ON THE SAME DAMN SITE, )

HOW DARE Y"ALL TALK ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK IS NECESSARY AND BEST FOR US

But please Enjoy Women's Day . You obviously meant and have all teh women you INTEND to speak to.

And when NOW is about four of yall in Starbucks and all the good women's actions ( I can't even call it feminist this shit is so disgusting to me right now)

WON'T EVEN LOOK YOUR WAY.

Hey you had teh first female ca...oh wait
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425 - How Old are you BA/Syd

The wife and I give each other writing assignments.

Mine is to talk about how old I feel.

I feel one .

I first started running my mouth at ten months. I started walking at ten months. I threw a way my bottle at one.

I learned Shut up at one.

My first brawl was at one.

Somebody was picking on me. My mommy bought me a country bears lunchbox and told me if he keeps picking on me SWING.

They dropped me off at day care . I toddled over

And swung.

They told me never be that fierce again. I only half listened.

I feel like a two year old every time my father calls. In a little red sweatsuit waiting by the door everyday.

No Daddy I am not avoiding you.

What I do wrong why aren't you here

I still love you daddy.I am not avoiding you

I am avoiding you , but not why you think I am. I feel like a failure , if I hadn't cried so much maybe if I had drunk less, and campaigned more and got myself together more. Maybe if i hadn't SHUT DOWN you'd still be here. I failed you.

I work 13 hours a day daddy.
I think about you every single one. I wish I made more, so that you didn't worry about me sending you 50 dollars a month. Fuck so I didn't worry about sending you fifty dollars a month. I wish I didn't after read Guyana's news and BALK with my heart in my throat , I wish I could visit and not have BOTH of us be scared cause i'm losing my ability to do the accent and would be a target.

I will call once a week.

Because I am FURIOUS at you ? even when you were here it was hinky? I can't yella t you now cause you trying to survive. Don't Guilt me. Why aren't you HERE. Why did you get in trouble.? Why are we poor ? YOU'RE MY FATHER WHY AREN'T YOU HERE TO TAKE CARE OF ME THATS YOUR JOB. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? Why am I terrified I won't get to see you before you die? FIX IT DAMN IT FIX IT? I have t o get to a point where i can talk to you I can't be this mad forever

I love you

I love you. Please come home. I'll take it all back if you just come home. But you can't and it's not your fault so I'm waiting by a door again and most days I am not even brave enough to wear red anymore.


I feel five.

Fierce mama protector of my lil crew.

We weren't popular but we liked each other. The soft boys , the odd boy, the nose pickers, the funny accents , and the odd clothes, the lil big one with the buds on her chest and the laura ingalls wilder books.

If I can they get to have everything I do.

Jehovah's witness girls can't eat cheese doodles at parties? Have mine

and then I'll smell your breath .

We'll mask it with a peppermint.

You get to try to have the life you want. Long as I get a say.

My mom still tells that story. I'm still proud.

I feel nine.

I want the prettiest book I saw to be real.

I want to grab up myself and my people and fly away.

I'm tired. I am silent and I am unaware . What did I do

What did we do.

I loved learning. Why did it make someone so mad? Why w as it my fault . I just wanted to be in the fifth grade, and they told be to shut up and be good and be like the rest of the kids and now I was gonna be in special ed?!

It's not hate crime, it's more time this way. It's about the vengeance this is common. They weren't steam rolling her they weren't making her a criminal . They weren't making it so nobody had to deal with the evil. Everybody wasn't going oh no! it's THOSE people. It's not racism.

I'm waiting for those wings they promised. I'm tired of watching my mama and my teachers cry.


I feel 13 going on 37.

Mommy Daddy stop fighting. I Don't know what to do. You're both right . Please talk to each other. I know I give good advice. I know I been here before. I'm glad I'm helpful I don't want to be.

I'm 13 . I want to be 13.

Whatever that means, it can't be this.

But I listen to them talk in the night , and it gets better . I'm still sad but I Stop burning myself. I pass Mensa but can't pass geometry. Daddy can leave the house again. The family doesn't like us so much but we love each other, maybe this just has to be my 13.

I feel 16 .

It is senior year and I am not sure I give a fuck . Colleges want me, I am eight months out this bitch. Fuck this perm , I am black

and I LOVE IT.

I run a segregated chapel. See how I feel EVERYDAY. I don't want to transcend my race I Don't want to do better than my blackness. My blackness is pretty fucking awesome. My blonde best friend holds my hands as my AP english teacher stumbles over me letting it rip about race. I don't care why is me being proud to be black a problem but you using race to get into college fair ?!

NO , I will not feel bad about going to Penn.

NO , I will not feel bad about being happy in my skin. And I swear to my god if you don't shut the fuck up about being entitled to me like I was PROPERTY you ignorant twits I WILL FUCKING END YOU!

And yes I am wearing bright red and boobs OUT to the prom .

My hair is natural and for a large part I feel free

I feel 23 and maybe the point is not what age i feel but that i feel it is mine.



Read more!

two links and a wander

And yet we are not purposely trying to limit the scope of young minds.


I found most of my readings of Andrea Smith through BFP and her work her challenges to the system are amazing.

Please do anything you can to support her tenure as she wishes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PRofBW has the most glorious post up about Asian/APIA women scholars and activists.


It is just I have so much to read and I am joyful

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's March 1st . One month to WAM and I promised my wife I'd prepare.


So what officially am I presenting, what am I feeling yada yada.

Primarily it's excitement genuine feel good excitement.

It's a wifely roadtrip

Also It's a reunion with une petie de ma famille du bloglando.

IF you go and a large black woman hug tackles several smaller women dats me ! Say Hi.

I guess for no I can only articulate bits and peices but a good bit of it starts here.

(hat yip Sex_and race_)

( It's Rebecca Walker she already has books and recognition so maybe MAYBE please sweet merciful deities people will table the bitter jealous critiques)

I have no matter how many times I jump and flail and scream and in however many dialects and languages

Certain folks want to Elect me .

And I don't like it, not because I don't like attention but because

I am not a good elective candidate you know it I know it.

I'm 23 I don't say this as a wohooo give me a cookie gesture .

I say this as a

" It is very possible I could be a complete moron who knows!"

I've never been in love, I have a huge difficulty with intimacy and romantic relationships, I'm prone to emotional tantrums and cussing, I have no deep womens studies back ground , I am a historical nerd to my own detriment. I randomly scream when upset and have been saved from certain death by friends grabbing my bag to prevent me from following shiny objects into the street.

I'm a human being

ONE

and to often I Have seen my name invoked as a preface to why

" women of color " are whiny or grandstanding and bitchy mahamah mah

And i fell like saying well of course if you choose me as a rep they might be these things

I'm an infant!

Yes I have done amazing things and am proud of them but to often I wonder well i don't wonder , if my veneration ( Saint Amazon patron saint of " ARE YOU NEW?!")

is a continuation of a model of

well we listen to these folks and then go home.

EASY!

Except this is not easy.

And it didn't start with teh Muhfugging election .

And it's so so just disengenious and wrong to call it infighting.

I'm not beefing with my room mate over forgetting to wash the dishes.

I ma being FORCIBLY erased to provide better pictures to people we know hate us.

WHAT WOULD THE RIGHT WINGERS SAY?!?

um.

How bout what do the women who are terrified to get help ? What are THEY saying.

Why is it that you got to be funny or glib or short WITH OUR LIVES?

Why are we secondary?

And why do you only care now that ONE white woman ONE isn't getting her easy ride?

Why didn't you care when the FIRST CANDIDATE ( who was a WOC ms Steinem) where was her support.

Why is the first instinct always to SAVE THE STRUCTURE not the people?

Why is it people expect us to take treatment they wouldn't give to a damn dog,to save their structures while ignoring us for yet again this white guys opinion.

How little of us do you think , that it is SHOCKING to you we have mastered basic mental and psychic and PHYSICAL self preservation?

WHY OH WHY ARE YOUS HOCKED WHEN WERE "angry"

As if keeping our selves alive and intact was justifiably secondary to whosever desire to pick over our carcasses for intellectual exercise.

How tainted have we become that we set up essentially an infant as a spokeswoman to ignore these questions and sweep these bodies under the rug

















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You MUST not Know bout me.

My most oft given nickname

is Sunshine.

It is 5:30 in the morning I'm about to travel two hours to get to work and my behind has been typing parts of this since five.

And I am dancing.

Sudy's most amusing memory ( I think) is the fact that given an idea and two bars if I can't sing a song like it I will make one up. Complete with dancing

and jazz hands.

GOT to have jazz hands


ANYWHERE.

In any place where I am NOT doing social justice work or not doing serious work on the cares of me and mine.

I tend to fall into the job of staff masseuse and joy bringer. My walk tends to vacillate between a " masking my bowlegged ness janet jackson strut" and a " hi I am BA and I am seven and pretty buildings looking up while I wander bounce"

I am literally as my momma,. a couple bosses, some teenagers , and one or two teachers have said . a ball of sunshine and light.

In any place where I am NOT doing social justice work

or in charge of kids

but if I am.

Aaminah has this post up .via Sudy asking a question and I want to answer the same question Sylvia asked.

Oh but if I am doing " the work" ( and i mean that academically organizationally, informationally etc etc)

I am THAT BITCH.

And I am supposing that this is supposed to make me feel bad.

Though I do love the punk move of trying to rewrite history and when your righteously RIGHT , I am stupid, when you wanna take your ball and go home My IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION IS SILENCING YOU AND is a sarcastic jab cause I am not really oppressed., revealing a class bias and basic racism on what you think the viability of such a thing ( a poor WOC being smart enough to earn an Ivy League degree means automatically she's NOT OPPRESSED, but what I know the menaing of privilege and have never denied having that one WOOPS)

and if you think I am ever gonna be ashamed I broke my fucking ass to do so , cause your "feelings" got hurt , you must never have met me before.

Quite honestly my co workers, are probably gonna have to hear some singing , possibly Pippin ( we've got magic to do)

No while I enjoy the increased co option of WOC terms to mean everything form but I HAD TO THINK to " wahhhh my feewings WAHHHH"

Understand this , If me my seven year old dell , my dyslexic spelling, and my potty mouth has made it hard for people to say ignant IGNANT ish about WOC and eugenics, if I have made it difficult for anyone to randomly spout inane ablist racist homophobia, while proudly proclaiming their to lazy to hit a muhfugging google search or REAL A LINK PROPERLY.

If next time someone sits in front of their keyboard and starts writing about MY PEOPLE and their thought is I better come correct cause BA or the " women of color" all six of us ( this time last time was three) might "attack" ( by attack you mean hold responsible) my logic with such horrible things as facts and book learnin'.

I only been blogging less than two years.

THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

If thats kind of shit needs to be taken to email cause your " silenced" ( god the sheer ignorance and disingenuity of using that terms makes me PISSED)

If it makes you get out of the way of people who even though I violently disagree with but have the integrity to stand by their words and make them public and not rewrite ish.

IF it makes you feel that this feminism/liberalism/misogyny/racism is not a safe place for you and ( hat tip to Dick Gregory) stop using it as your address.

IF it makes you get the fuck out of grown folk business so the real hard work can get done honestly instead of having to clor some more over the sound of people who value things and instituitions over PEOPLE DYING ON TABLES and having to explain that in pretty words.

No body's asking for perfection nobody's asking for you to be some kind of saint.

But WE ARE ASKING FOR TEH TRUTH . THE WHOLE TRUTH.

Not the made up half ass makes it better for you to sleep tonight bullshit.

Not that ish that swallows WOC voices leaves em dying in cars, clawing medicine  out of their arms ( and that's just what I know about) ,scared to look for help.

YEah if I can" silence" that

If me and ole betsy can turn down that racist sexist din just a lil bit. 

If I make you shut the fuck up instead of calling us " they" as if we are some amorphous group going through REAL LIVE  LIFES 

DYING REAL LIVE DEATHS.

CAUSe oF reAL LIVE THINGS HAVe REAL LIFE riGHT NOW

If you think I am ANYTHING but dancing to the subway over the moon happy about that. 

You DEFINITELY MUST not know bout me.

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