Request

Anybody know the name of a good POC therapist working out of NYC that deals with ADD/depression and or hypersensitivity or where I would go look for one?

Cause yesterday was not a good day , and it doesn't look like they will be getting any better for a while.

For the New Year I would like a problem in my family that doesn't deal with life threatening illness, back breaking poverty, country wide race wars, and or massive state deportation

come on not knowing where to vacation or boyfriend who forgets your birthday and only apologizes three times.

Also my random habit of what seems like disquieting large groups of white women while breathing upright,speaking, or doing on the fly translation to be helpful to French tourists make it go away now.

no seriously

The 6ft black woman has been state abused, targeted flung down stairs and slam booked to death, she's been oggled,stalked groped and battled eating disorders

and really used to walking into a room and causing problems and stares and whispers

SHE'S ALSO NOT YOU KNOW DEAF

and trust me the fact your frat boyfriend/teacher/friend/person your trying to impress

is giving her attention

WHich always translates into slack jawed amazement at her faculties/ really discomfiting erotic glances at her body/ and that wonderful vein of self hatred that seems to come with finding her attractive

I know is shocking to you

but is actually not necessarily welcome

Tomorrow will be entirely about my friends doing godo things as i can't take much more
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IF you think it's about you it probably is

You don't get to be surprised.

For everyone SHOCKED at the white women showing their asses standing on their claim to speak for everyone.

You don't get to be surprised.

For everyone randomly APPALLED that people will defend rape.

You don't get to pretend your hands are clean.

For everyone whose shocked how ugly this election is getting, or how quickly they are defaulting to pretending your stupid.

Here's my can of OH WELLL.

When people made policies like bombing countries " faulty decisions" that killed Afghani women

acceptable.

Where was you?

When we told you in classes, you told us the time had come for that when YOU were finished.

When we pointed out that it didn't mean anything if w e only made people our spokes people , but they sounded like you so what were WE complaining about.

When you tell us that the things we see mean you will leave us in teh dust ignore us and betray us and then call it a faultof OURS.

We crazy hysterical jealous.

Those me people are always upset at something.

we are
at border

crossings

that are death beds

rapes

where they only get harder cause we can't consent

drug busts

dying parents

and we had to understand that

"mistakes get made"

You were getting to it

THe truth was they would never turn on YOU was what you meant.

Well they did.

They don't care you have no money

They don't care you can't pay bills

They don't care
you have no hope

no joy

no faith.

because

It will never happen to them

THey have to fix __________ first

I mean HOW could you ever think they didn't care

Welcome

youve been

spicked

niggered

wetbacked

fagotted

dyked

chinked

shunted

punted

tossed aside.

You don't get to come to me for comfort

guidance

or commiseration


You

You don't get to be fucking surprised.
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I want....

There is little of an introduction I can give right now, except to say finding out you were right doesn't make you feel better or make your life easier. That being said I do not mind the work. I keep focusing on work because more and more the world seems to be delineating into those who know it's true value and those who do not. I focus on work today because , in some ways I found out how much time left I have with my mother and it's not enough. My mother has had her first diagnosis. We are waiting for a followup but it is pretty likely she has MS. IN fact considering the other option I am now in a strange position of hoping she has MS.

And the only thing I can truly get a grip on in this is that my mother was the one who taught me to work.

And at work we started talking about the economy and the elections and well..

It goes back to work.

We have long as a society tried to pretend we value hard work and we are now reaping the sowing of that pretense.

In six months I will turn 24, which if you can do the math puts my birth right in the middle of Reganomics.

The slashing of welfare , the conglomerating of non profits , the screwing of education, and while Steve Martin may joke, I was actually born a poor black child.

And the fact is the US is dealing with what it started doing at my birth as are social movements,cultural , social justice.

You see one thing I Have said , I have always said and I have been quoted as saying is that " we have to treat kids as if they are going to grow up to lead".

When I was a kid in no short term education was hosed,graduate education escalated mindboggingly fast and welfare and most industrial jobs got destroyed while we engaged inpointless colonizing racist xenophobic big dick contest on an international scale.

What that means that now the best determinant of an individuals financial security is not their work ethic , their intelligence

but the amount of money their PARENTS had at birth.

If you are smart and strive and innovative enough to push your way into these hallowed halls of education and privilege

You are either a) forced to compete against your fellow strivers for crumbs in ways that permanently damage your ability to look at others and anything but competitors
b) Forced to pay back EXORBINANT amounts in funds rather than use that talent and drive to improve innovate

c) live in poverty if you eschew and b

And suddenly it's 20 years later and the system that forces you to do so is staggeringly shocked they lack innovations or innovators or that thinkers are hard to come by or that it's "creatives " are so small a pool and not that creative cause they don't come up with new ideas.

And now suddenly there's little new the youth look like unimpressive privileged snots or you can't get an in with the ones that aren't so you hope to buy it only to find by the time they jump at the dangly treat their not what you want?

And you know what it sucks but hey the ones who are working through it still do it.

My mom taught me that work was it's own reward , a light house, a good meal, great friendships, a good ( at times) marriage .

You work because it's what you believe in .

And As I was shooting the political breeze with colleagues ( in one very odd world me and the staunch capitalist white male were in COMPLETE AGREEMENT) it was so shocking how many brilliant amazing young minds

" work to pay off school cause they can't even think of grad school yet"
" would love to teach but can't afford to not help their parents"
" have a really good idea about x but need time to develop it"
" are angry at themselves at not being further along.... at 25"

and to flash back to fight after fight in ivy halls about how my even being there was affirmative action gone wrong cause some private school chicks boyfriend didn't get in, even as she was the number on recipient with no job

and I was still busting her ass with my two .

And dude three doors down and two played football and was trying to learn sign language to talk to his deaf sister

And no it's not like people aren't working but

You know what the mommy's little girl in me

Is just tired and sad and scared.

Because I don't care what other people have .

I want my mom to be able to not be sad every morning she goes to work, and tell me how sad she is cause I'm not studying the way she'd know I'd love to cause I'm trying to pay rent at 23.

I want my mom to nit look at my old song books and text books and videos and wonder why I don't sing anymore.

I'm tired of my mom thumbing wistfully through textbooks and talking about wanting to go to school

and finding out that may not happen cause hey she is most likely gonna die in the next ten years

I'm tired of hearing folks explain why starving and LITERALLY GASLIGHTING people to death is THEIR OWN FAULT, and that their trying to STAY ALIVE makes them insects.

I REPEAT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW THE SYSTEMATIC STARVING OF PEOPLE IS THEIR OWN FAULT AND HOW THAT MAKES THEM INSECTS

I want in general to stop feeling I have to depend on others to live, even as I work my ass off ( well round my ass doest work off just rounder or firmer)

I want to not look at my stunningly talented peers and be upset that they can't even explore the opportunities given them cause they happen to be brown or poor or both.

I want to not read about stimulus packages that basically insult my intelligence because they think that given two grand I'm not gonna pay down debt but instead by a new shiny toy ( shit I've needed a new computer for TWO YEARS but best BELIEVE should it come through AES will get the bulk of that check and the rest will go to VISA and whatever's left goes to my rainy day fund)

I would LOVE for this weeks older white feminist to not erase my existence and shut the hell up and enjoy her relatively comfortable existence instead of proving once again when it counts she'll always ALWAYS choose her right to feel better by proxy than you know me and mine to be alive or be treated as an intelligent humans and bargaining chips.

I would also love that we stop pretending the solipsistic behavior they see in youngsters isn't directly connected to the fact that for real , many can't afford to make statements like that , they don't sit on boards, and gues what if being quiet is the difference between keeping the middle class life and
LIVING LIKE ME

I would never switch with em but I don't blame em, but shhh they'd have to admit in addition to screwing over others they barely served their constituency

during that time

when I was a baby

a poor black child and unimportant

but most of all

I just want my mommy.

But she gave me work and I will hold on to it and her for as long as she is here and long after.

But I still want my mommy












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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

LGBT youth of color are pushed out of our homes, schools, and safe spaces every day as access to vital resources and opportunities decreases. FIERCE has been opposing the private development on Pier 40 [the pier next to Christopher Street] that will further displace LGBT youth, especially youth of color, from the West Village. It is simple: development can and should meet the needs of poor people, not corporations. Now is the time to take action to SAVE THE VILLAGE and put LGBT Youth Before Profit.

The Hudson River Park Trust will be voting on the future of Pier 40 ON JANUARY 31st. SIGN TODAY and PASS AROUND THE WORD!

Would you like to have a community center for LGBT youth on the pier?

THEN TAKE ACTION WITH US!!

Go to the link below (copy and paste if you can’t click on it) and sign the petition.
Let the Hudson River Park Trust know that LGBT youth will not be silenced!!

www.PetitionOnline.com/lgbtp40/petition/html

–
Rickke Mananzala
Executive Director
FIERCE
147 West 24th Street, 6th Floor
New York, NY 10011
(ph) 646.336.6789 ext. 202
(fax) 646.336.6788
http://www.fiercenyc.org

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Bag to BAg

I cleaned out my Bag today .

It's where I keep my ADD.

I cleaned it out so I can transfer it to a different bag.

I think thats the story of how I deal I with it.

You see I was officially diagnosed with ADD when I Was a toddler

and to doctors in the 80's


ADD+ Young brown child= DRUGS



So we avoided it

I have been diagnosed at least three times and never really dealt with it.

I loved reading this account of my time with BFP in a car barreling
down a highway with BFP ( I popped her cherry and i didn't even know)

I also love her thoughts and thinkings on add cause it sounds so much like what goes through my head and so different.


I have no choice in it.

I am always apprehensive in new situations as , for a lot of my life.

People did not want me.

And in such ways that i had to be very perceptive .

Like it wasn't uncommon for meaner aunts and uncles to not feed me or openly bad mouth my eating or my parents while I was there.

I had to be very cognizant of what furniture I could and could not sit on.

I had to be open to every thing.

For me the ADD Is less like many voices and more like

No "off switch".

I can't notice just the words or the music or the melody or the street or the test or the temp or the

it's all happening right nwo and i see it right now and i feel it right now.

WheN i learned to read i learned "wrong"

words have shapes and sizes and proper proportions

and rules to mess with

and ways they should look

and typing has a rhythm that is more important

And people?!?!?

people are scents and smells and parts

and crevices and rhythm and then

THEY TRY AND TALK TO ME

I fell in love with ( well deep and dependent LUST) for a boy's heart beat.

it filled my ears an d smelled and moved

and I HAVE TO DO THINGS WHILE EXPERIENCING ALL OF THIS.

i had to learn how to fake being studious and concentrated.

I had to learn to listen well cause i couldn't follow

to always push cause if i stood still in it

I'd drown.

For me I remember one big moment of ADD shutdown.

Before I got skipped i was deemed to unstable and not fully competent

everyone was right no matter what i had developed i STILLL couldn't help

I have no memory of that time period.

It is completely shut out to me.

My mother has some of my writing from it and says that it looks like i was a kindergartener again..

I don't turn it off .

It turns me off.

and there is hyper focus the 12 hour library sessions not noticing the
sun went to the point the library would nearly close with me in it

obsession on making lines

obsession with role preparation
and the belief that if I could do it for this

I could do it for other things.

That i was/am damaged so graduation at 20 with a 3.0 is just a n emblem
of what i could h ave been doing if i APPLIED myself even if I never
slept.

That the strength I got when i exercised mean if i was APPLYING MYSELF

i'd lose the belly.

OR i would be worth it

No matter what i do or did

it still gets in my way.

The way i can literally focus on a tattoo for hours or stare at necklaces for hours.

tHat shiny nearly gets me hit by buses

or my friends call me a crow.

Or taht i go into stores and hear people go " We all have ADD now"

and get furious

because it's not some narcissistic consumerist thing where I don't
believe i Have to wait or work or listen or I am compelled to never pay
attention

It's when you want to you want to so badly

and you can't

or you want to want to turn it off or turn it down or just get some sense of control over it

You don't want to cringe at trains and alarms as an adult

or avoid eye contact cause you pick up too much information

or need to stare into space or a screen for hours to unwind

or hiss at people who touch and you don't like cause it physically hurts. OR be crawled over

or it's like being dazzled by silver for hours on end

remembering places in perfect detail

and thinking of bubbles

tracing lines on skins with detail cause they breathe to you

or memorizing someones heartbeat even after three years . because it sings to you.

or trying to move it from bag to bag hoping Maybe next time you'll get it straight
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I would really really like

a relatively compacted normal well paying day. I like my job. I do but these 12-14 hour oddly shaped days.
*keels over*

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The Greatest Trick The Devil Ever Played

Before I begin please let me apologize I think I am now backlogged on email's from NOVEMBER as well as thank you notes, please do not take this as me absconding of my manners but me truly just falling the hell behind.

I have a new job, in retail , and I now work 13-14 hour days ( including travel) so anyone who has not heard from me please know I am trying.

So The Short of this Post is I don't know what to do but i am inspired.

I am now at a point where I feel I must be superpragmatic and conscious of how I say things. I am also at the point where I get no sleep and have had my first coldsore in nearly three years I am that exhausted. I am watching the way I say everything.

Not what I say because I refuse to change that but HOW I say things.

I am skating dangerously close to censoring my self. SO I am going to try and write the next post to get some things off my mind while also setting the stage for what is to come with this blog.

First and foremost. I am done with " Feminism".

I Don't care anymore . ProfBW was right. I can't converse with the hegemon anymore. I need a perspective change.

The most depressing point for me last week was I truly combed through my archives and SEARCHED because after feminist rising and the bullshit with the book , and the reactions
I swore I had to have dedicated a HUGE chunk of my blogging life to Jessica Valenti and Amanda Marcotte and main stream feminism and maligning books .

Total BLACKAMAZON ( Sydette Harry) initiated posts that even MENTION these women out of the 405 posts I have written :

15.

Thats a grand total of if you're being imaginative 4%.

Out of those posts where in I do not directly respond to their WORK,the words the write , the organizing they do, the things they or others around them claim I am just leveraging personal attacks on cause it's so good it's unassailable and I AM JUST NOT SMART ENOUGH OR JUST JEALOUS :

That would be 0%

I have cussed , I have screamed , but not once have I maligned their personhood or their humanity. OR allowed it to happen in my name, when i have known.

And I won't now.

Cause this is the last time it will be spoken of in these conditions.

No matter what both of these women are people, and

THEY ARE NOT AND NEVER WILL BE THE MOVEMENT. Also personality dislike is not a commentary on work. I have NEVER done that and I RESENT implications and connections to my critiques as if me saying I found a book trite is the same as saying I found a human being trite. I also resent the fact that being critiqued by "WOC" has been distilled to my six posts , ONE of which mention s the author specifically. There is NO need to focus critical response to work and historical dynamics on setting up false dichotomies and jealousies between women. That is NOT the work


I am a deep believer in work. The responsibility of work , the necessity of it , and also the WORK of it.One of my favorite professors called social justice " the work" not the movement, not the "----ism"but the WORK. The thing that involves sweat and effort and discomfort that goes beyond being a fan and beyond a dynamic of trying to be on the "right side"

About being actively involved IN THE WAYS WE CAN making life the BEST WE CAN for the LIVES OF OTHERS AS ALL ARE PEOPLE.

FULL FUCKING STOP.

When Dr Reagon speaks of it being a harsh and constant thing of us having no safe spaces anymore its true. This shit is hard and it's ONLY getting harder and I only have so much energy to direct .

and I am tired.

Personally I will admit it I AM JEALOUS. I wish I could organize for young women as a career . I wish I could train my voice and write my own work . I wish I could post all the things I get about worthwhile ventures( please keep sending those). I wish that trying to stay alive have health care pay back student loans didn't prevent me from volunteering and teaching. I wish that I didn't have to constantly deal with major magazines telling me my hair , weight and skin color are a death sentence. I wish that because of that and a Feminism who believes these concerns are secondary I didn't have to try and scratch out theory and knowledge late night on an old ass computer , while folks paint a target on my back for breathing. I wish people didn't dangle opportunities in front of me as if telling me how easy my life could be if I knew my place like a good little darkie.I Wish that my lack of privilege wasn't continually snidely referenced as a character failure.

But this is my life. And as part of the WORK I can do , with this lil piece of space, I have to be judicious.

I am done with this "movement:. When someone it idolizes has the gall to call me stupid in plain speak in a national newspaper, followed by a white woman blatantly telling me to sit down my views and life so she can feel better in her board meetings

while I am worried about taking care of my momma after 60.

When I can be present in places where people are talking about me and things I have written, AND USING THEM ( and yes I know I have stat counter), while IGNORING me.

Well how many times you got to be told your unwanted for you take a hint?

SO after this post , I don't care Feministing, books, " internet celebs" I AM DONE. My email is in my profile and until last week ( where in my wife started HOLLERING _

SO WAS MY SCREENAME.

I have never been hard to find engaging me is EASY. Talking to me is easy cussing me out is easy, but no one has the time , so guess what NEITHER DO I

IF it does not pertain to larger womanhood and by larger I mean the global international multiphase multilevel WORK of making women's lives better, I won't be commenting. Should you want to pay me or donate to a charity in my name, MAYBE

but in this same week I read articles about Kenyan politics, my love of music, Carlos won something, Nubian has an amazing documentary that needs funding (t hats getting it's own post), Warren has a website, Brent is releasing an album, I heard one of the greatest things I have heard in my life,and I've had amazing conversations about life. I posted about vomiting cause i was crying too hard.

If you say Women we coming for ya but besides that.

There is too much beauty in the world.

I am 23 years old and have no answers All I have is a willingness to do work and I am tired of feeling exploited and appropriated cause I do.

I am NOT supposed to be anybody's ANSWER or ANSWER TO. Those you find for yourself and since it was asked of me.

Yes Abby I felt attacked, and i felt violated because your analysis of my writing of the less than one percent of two years of writing I did was to make me some unuseful attacker of my "peer"( although while you make a case that wave feminism idealogical differences is important my utter distaste for the third wave and its subsequent permissiveness s to unchecked privilege is me being mean to peers all of whom are ALWAYS 6- 10 years older than me). I was made secondary to AN OBJECT and you then tried to tell me how I could do better and after what w as essentially bad research , a lack of historical respect or intellectual rigor.

You got a 101 thread.

I help and my help I mean i end up doing it with no crediting no engagement ( unless a white person points it out to the said offender) helping folks rewrite books and change websiteS larger than mine

and I become a TARGET.

Three or four posts go down in infamy and it is obvious that folks don't READ them while calling me STUPID or lazy.

My friends are tired or leave blogging cause its draining, can't hold on to the things they love cause it's proven false, can't even express a distaste for a movement based in coopting their lives without being treated as stupid little infants and after all that.

I have to wait cause every month or so some person hopes they can take down the "dragon" of Blackamazon.

A 23 year old girl, doing the little she can to make the world better, to show her the error of her ways so she can shape up and join up

And for what so old rich white women can tell me how they know what I should be thinking. SO i can be a happy zoo animal, or more likely they can get brownie points for taming the wild black woman.

That's not the work, you wnat home find it somewhere else but this This here is

WORK
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I cry

So I''m crying again on my one day off in front of a computer.

I wanted to write about BFP, I wanted to write about Sudy, I wanted to write something brave and brillant and Amazonian in defense of my Sylvia.

But instead I am choking back tears in front of a computer trying desperately not to alert my mother to how close I am to vomiting.


I am a 23 year old girl.

I write because I believe .

I believe that PEOPLE are more important than things, I write because I believe that PEOPLE and their lives are worth the hard work it takes to make them better .

I write because I believe that people need to be enmeshed and intertwined and understanding of each other, constantly and openly and work towards a world where that is not a dangerous thing.

But most of all I write because I know what it's like to be erased and lost and have that ability taken from you.

And I am trying so hard not to be melodramtic, and I am trying so hard to be adult and mature and pragmatic and conscious.

And not to take it personally that I have to be

and I can't I just can't .

So I cry.

I don't understand.

I don't understand that defending my friend and more importantly people's lives and the right to have truthful honest INVOLVED accounts of those lives is worth less than a book.

I truly don't understand how time and time again the use of the Master's house analogy always defaults to concerns about the house but not the people dying and being raped and being bled to have said house.

I don't understand how someone can claim freely to spend little to no thought on things they claim will guide/lead /revolutionize and

Why come I always end up with my knuckles rapped when I point out it is bad

I want to know why so many people will defend to the DEATH the right for women to make entitled privileged mistakes, to be spreaders of poisonous bile, to use the identities of other people as shields form critique

But treat the destruction of people s homes as a theoretical argument.

I write because I know what it’s like to have the ability to speak taken form you.

I know what it’s like to have someone stare you in your face and congratulate THEMSELVES on your EXISTENCE

Because he they “ work with kids like you” were and that’s their golden cookie point for heaven.
Because deigning to extend themselves to the likes of you is such makes them such remarkable people .

Because god for bid the move towards social justice ACTUALLY INVOLVE FUCKING WORK.
I want to understand because

I take time

With every word that comes out of my mouth

Because I know what it’s like to not be able to speak so you could eat.
Because I Know what its like to have to beg people so you could still have a family

I know what it’s like to have your words mean NOTHING

AND SOMEONE ELSE’S MEAN EVERYTHING

To whether you could LIVE OR DIE.

I want to understand what kind of life you live that your words get to be sacred and life changing and have no responsibility to any one.

I want to know what kind of world you live in when your identity is used as some talisman to ward of critics , to make them these large undifferentiated blocks

and you still are supposed to be trusted with people words these emblems of their lives
?

I have no idea what to say anymore.

That the problems of the dissrespect, intellectual dishonesty, perpetuation of racism, transphobia, and the sublimination of multiple voices, the utter disgusting secrecy is prided

over the weight and damage this carries.

Where people get thanked for admitting they found themselves to busy to engage and credit someone , but have plenty of time to lift phrases form their words whole sale.

That gets a thank you?

While they ignore the very person they are hurting to prove

I AM A GOOD PERSON.

That someone can "apologize to me" and ignore me

That someone can with a straight face position me as simply an addendum to understanding teh more important white woman concepts .

BEcause i never speak for my own life.

I want to know

But i don't and I can't

So I cry

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One Week

One Week before my name was used in one of the most insulting condescending ways ever

But shit it warms somebodies heart right.

I didn't talk about the life of a seven year old girl for the new year.

OR the necessity or removing restriction on the lives and roles of people to serve

No one ignored my meditations on religion and feminism, on supporting women

or anything to tell me or silently agree while a white man ( men) told me the proper way i should play my role.

IT took ONE WEEK.

Everyone's busy

Got to get on message right?

Got more important shit to do.

Maybe i can shine some fucking hooves like in Fantasia
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The Margin on the Margins

Happy New Year everyone


It is early in the morning and I am typing a half hour to think on the New Year and the past one

blah blah slightly over literate 23 year old speak


I feel that I have been writing in backwards fashion ( and will have to continue for a while stupid holidays )

but whathas always amazed me about the writing I do , from my own perspective is how little of it I believe originates from me. I always in my real meatspace life describe this as writing with people .

Always .

I write with BFP, KAE ,nezua,lex,nadia,



I believe that any good writing any good LIVING comes form places of affirmation and earth

So contrary to what has become a well accepted meme BA ( and her glassed counterpart Sydette ) does not spend her life looking for the Barbarian hoardes or the idiot white people.

I spend it reflecting examining and honesty safegaurding whatI feel are my communities

Community is dynamic ,choice laden and DIFFICULT , it hold you accountabel, it is arbitrary, it can DEVASTATE you

because it is NECESSARY to life. community lets you know you are connected to the people around you.

When I read this entry by BFP and reflect on Benzair Bhutto and Katie Jones

and privilege and teh margin for error.

What I think about most ( right after going I WANT MY BFP to have everything no one should be mean to her WHERES MY BAT)

is that she is terribly and terrifically and terrifyingly right.

People on the "margins' define communities because they are most aware of the tenuousness of it's bond and that they are most often used to cement community values.

And I do mean USED.

When you are a member of a community , or a marginal community and not part of the "center"

Your success is measured TOO often by how you can force what makes you marginal ,(real or invented)

Disappear.

It is the responsibility of the marginalized to " prove" they deserve the basic necessities of life.

I know because that is my life.

Part of my coming out on my blog was to give people a very Real perspective on my actual life story.

One of the things that constantly happens when I speak is the selling ( or the silent supporting of) the

" jealous, joy killing keyboard hacker".

As if by being first and foremost proud of being an immigrant and black . I had to have some great unknown YEARNING for things that people always assume whatever new person I'm jealous of has.

Let's make it ridiculously plain people. My high school cost's more than most colleges. I am Ivy League educated at 16 and have indulged in more high browed activities and hobnobbing than most anyone who has opened their mouth my way.

This all hinged on moments.

I HAD To do that well because it was that or a sub par non funded school more famous for violence than violin.

My entrance into these things depended on

One Test

One Converstaion

One year

This grand you can try and do it again.

There is a constant and utter Damocles kisisng the top of your scalp when you are not one who it is acceptable to let explore.

It is almost life and death .

Unless your Katie.

Maybe I am a little extra attached cause my wifey is Katie .

But for the rest of her life lil Katie has to be PERFECT.

or it's the end of her life.

She can not at any moment struggle to hard , not be independent enough,

or she dies.

The ability to be sick is denied a 7 year old child because she has Cerebral Palsy.

It has been decided that rather than prove to HER we are a loving caring wiling to do anything to get her a full and joyous life that we SAY we give to all children

She has to prove to us not to die a CHOKING DEATH that we deem "understandable"

This is why

I say

FUCK TONE.


When your in razor thin moments by others, who can treat their erasure and disrespect of you with shiny ill prepared bullshit about their feelings and goals .

You get ANGRY.

We live in a society that actively thinks whether or not to KEEP AN EIGHT YEAR OLD ALIVE IS DEBATEABLE.

whereas IN ANY OTHER CASE WE WOULD OPENLY MOCK THIS SAME BELIEF

because she has CP.

While some of s think it is a good time to meander and though process this out.

Her life

depends on this moment

this one

this one

to stay alive s he must be perfect.

And we order our society on that. Defining exactly where the edges of life and caring are on a little girls every breath.

Where were reinforce our borders through 16 year old hymens .

And send young men to prison for lifetimes .

We here on the margins don't get to be so flippant with our words and our moments.

Because our lives depend always on

This
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