Every body lock in this one is gonna be LONG or overly emotional but whatever. I keep chastising myself silently about how often I go I'm not talking about it but I'm gonna kind of talk about it, instead of you know talking about it. But four posts got me thinking about this year and frankly I need to has this out with you guys to figure out where I am honestly.

Because frustrated artistic, personal, and emotional growth is not okay for me, and a fuzzy hazy way of not knowing how to proceed iwth my own activism helps not a farthing with the causes I claim t love and espouse.

To whit

Yes Ilyka I am frustrated

Writing cursing agreement put me into a bit of a funk. Because for those of you who have read my blog for a good while, my mother is my rock, in and out of medical predicaments. Most of them due to stress and it's constant companion fear.

Because she is poor, because she is black, because she wouldn't be a nanny , becuase her duaghter is smart, and tall, and sexualized. Because her daughter is black. Because this human whose life her heart hinged on is considered disposable and all of taht is less important

than MAry not liking F**

When Mary wrote the glancing potshot at Sylvia's it was almost exactly like the last glancing potshot I took at the beginning of this year from feminist rising here. The problem is not that FR or Mary don't like HOW I say things or WHAT I say but that neither party actually gave a damn about either. That's part of the reason I wanted no part of the ensuing ally discussion,

Why on EARTH would I be concerned iwth someone who showed no desire to be an ally to me but instead had a goal in mind, had a path to that goal, had an idea of themselves in pursuit of that goal and essentially saw me as an obstacle.

Not as a woman, not even as a HUMAN but as an obstacle?

That there is a goal, or a vision at that by breathing I am IN THE WAY? What discussion is there to be had from that?

Part of my constant just confusion and inability to get over these things is that at it's core people freely and UTTERLY bargain with the identities of WOC rather than engaging their critiques. This one isn't saying what we like , get this one, this one claims We're to white, this one will tell you we're diverse damn it!

Humans don't get treated like that. If every woman is unique valued and useful, teh response isn't to find one better, and if that idea was posited by a man , I'd be leading the charge with a pitchfork and call of attack in it's stupidity.

So why is it okay when done CASUALLY and REPEATEDLY by social movements?

Why are the critiques of the non privileged designed as something to make an end run around than oh I don't know maybe to make part of the causes we claim to be part of?

Renee's post made me very sad but I also disagreed with it, because the relationship isn't table scraps servitude. It is straight up adversarial and alienating. The woman who goes what do WOC stand for , is spoiling for a fight. What she is saying is that the concerns of WOC must be so alien and off the chart that they must interpreted bullet point. ( And I will leave alone that Rene'ss eight month blog had plenty of starting points). That's teh problem far to often with the interpretation of STFU&L , is that

PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO LISTEN.

A person who is listening isn't passive. A person who is activeley listening asks questions that are respectful,takes notes, and risks something.

Their not listening they don't want to be bad people so their doing what THEY think is sufficient to not be bad people.

Which tends to be hilarious becuase converstaions about concrete things like Meagan, Sakia, Gwen, comfort women, gay youth turn into

WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT I'M LISTENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

or become this grand theoretical discussions into our relationships with the mainstream and not

THE THING HAPPENING RIGHT NOW INFRONT OUR EYES.

And it also leads to a really REALy disturbing pheonemna of being general to the point that it comes around and is insulting becuase you know what while there are no Oppression Olympics there are Oppression Specifics.

HEre I will do my best to not take things personal but we know how well I do that.

Prop 8 got mentioned twice and both times it kind of infuriated me.

Latoya starts this series about The Things We Do To Each Other /The Things We Do To Ourselves

The Prop 8 thing bothered my soul extensively but not because of JUST the foolywangishness that was engaged in by white people. I am tired long past and moving right into the promised land TIRED of the discussion of POC ( in my community experience BLACK) homophobia nad larger scale societal homophobia s if it's the same thing.

And I personally am straight up offended by the use of " waste of time" as a descriptor of the very real very WROUGHT very deep interactions that happen in CERTAIN VENUES. when it comes to intra POC relations.

POC haven't for any extended period of time until RECENT history had any ability to have ANY kind of sustained dialogue with each other not funneled through mainstream media

And Prop 8 was no different, for every Cannick they were three better pushed NYT pieces that happily blamed and filleted POC for white eyes, and specifically avoided te eexamination of history of religion and homophobia and fear in the very communities they were filleting.

And this tilt toward generality and hand wring at the "mainstream" has stopped looking like peacemaking ESPECIALLY in the wake of Prop 8 and the claim of so many to not able to find voices ( I made that round up in an hour and a half mostly through the remarkable Delux)

Prop 8 is not to be blamed on the organizers of No on 8.

The racism,classim and myopia is though.

And No I am no longer interested in wiating for others to look for the "larger dialogs".

Because for far too long when WOC brought it up we were told to sit down. We were told we were marginalizing voices, disturbing work, or behaving as obstacles. And the presentation of this as dialog and not as conversation once agian brings to life a false dichotomy of experiences that is just SO UNTRUE as to stop being wrong and start being just primally disturbing.

And yes mainstream presentation is whacked but what about the things we CAN take care of? WHat about the women ( myself all up in it) who have left or feel feminism is unrepresentative of them not because of mainstream presentation but the real CONCRETE actions that have been perpetrated aginst them.

Prop 8 madness didn'ts top at bad press. People were attacked. People had to leave Cali, and peopel got free reign by PROGRESSIVES for a good minute to declare black people ignorant.

And if resources are being unevenly distributed at some point why doesn't someone go

NO

is it impossible for that to be done.

And frankly what does teh mainstream have to point to of Mainstrem feminists doing that.

Mary Daly wasn't at all eagerto point out that her treatment of WOC in Gyn/ecology had been astutely and well answered by Audre Lourde. The HRC nearly fell over itself when it remembered to mourn the death of a young transgender woman.

Feminist conversatiosn continue to be had under the auspices for safety for the mainstream. In my personal experience whenever I have been approached it has been in teh need for secrecy and confidentiality when as a WOC that is the last thing I can use?

The minute I expressed that need for public neutral dialogue with WITNESSES

There was none.

The mainstream is not what we're working for here is it?

i fell often that identity politics often gets used to degrade people who have focused issue based movements as being disposable.

Identity is chosen and therefore we're choosing to be outsiders if we just changed the identity we chose.

And frankly teh mainstream is fucked isn't that why we're all not in it?

But that brings me to this post on Bastard Logic. I agree with Matt 198% but the thing is that what so many of these structures know is that and we have EVIDENCE that given the choice between sitting aback shoring up and building or being assimilated , and once again turning all resources towards shoring up teh mainstream, their is a concerted part of the left that will ALWAYS and has continued to do the work of muzzling others.

The fact is that tehy don't care WHAT is being said HOW it's being said or the reasons behind it.

ANd part of my utter confusion is that part of it

far too much sounds like this

Are POC the hot new necessary acessory , becaus eitf this is honest and this is real

where are the actual steps, the apologizies, the consciousness raising, not just with women declared safe ( and that includes me) ?

Where are the things that aren't just making a better feminism/left and the actual accountability being shared.

If it is what is need why is no one working to get it?

or is that a mainstream media trick as well.

Because as we been saying this isn't a tale scrap these are our lives so when does the theory stop or is taht too much like realizing we hold jsut as much responsibility for others subjugation as our liberation.