I ain't pretty

This post has been difficult for me to write because frankly it's been me trying to combine probably a book into one post. The awesome delux_vivens is having a WOC and beauty carnival and by gum I was gonna write for it

I wanted and want to, and will bring in my own experiences about being beautiful versus being pretty but this morning Wifey linked me to this

Death In Times Square.

and I looked at that picture and I said two things to myself . That girl is beautiful

But she ain't pretty

and that

That in our culture with our relationships may have contributed to her death.

There was recent kerfluffle at Feministe about pretty ( i was linked by someone and I am so sorry I forgot ) and non pretty .

I didn't really respond nor will I because I thought the post that instigated it was a judgemental sex shaming crock of shit, that featured no analysis , but I was not and am not and yes that includes past history , but also the way pretty is being wielded made me uncomfortable.

You see when we talk about pretty , I'm not sure we're talking about the same thing, not to mention to cling to pretty even in CHALLENGING the concept ( I WILL REJECT ALL THINGS THAT I SEE AS PRETTY CAUSE EVERYTHING MEANS THE SAME TO EVERYONE) makes me nauseaus.

You see in my life as WOC , pretty has had fuck all to do with attractiveness, vibrancy, or sexuality , it has had everything with a validation.

A validation that includes protection, ownership, and often the use of these things to pit women agianst each other, sometimes by patriarchial interests, OFTEN by racist thematics, and sometimes love itself.

Personally, I am beautiful. It is strange to say because dear god it sounds conceited and I am trying my darndest not to post any pictures , but even in the glaringly Eurocentric run studies about symmetry and youthfulness and clearness of skin and bountifulness of hair ETc.ETC.

I am doing okay.

I am not however in any way European featured , not in the slightest not by a long shot. My look comes with the music of steel pans and African drums some sitars and strings with a light note of pipes . My walk is all drums all the time.

I am always black.

And I am not pretty .


Pretty for me has always been something about what I had lacking and what I could consume to be acceptable.

In terms of my hair , my natural hair is beautiful it is show stopping , but straight hair is pretty. Pretty

Pretty as in closer to white more tameable, more feminine,

Pretty as in product of acceptable consumption , pretty as in made of the things that indicate you cna afford or a re lucky enough to have naturally this mark of prestige.

That you can wrap and blow dry and get that touch up.

Pretty is about a form of protection, that is afforded you in separation from ugly girls.

Pretty is something you can have and pretty is something that can be taken away.

When we are told about pretty it is not to actually define any aesthetic value , but to tell us what will be protected.

That protection is expressed not because of anything special about pretty but more so about what pretty is not.

The fact that pretty/not pretty play out so often among women is no accident. This is not about adornment ( what makeup you choose, what clothes you wear etc) and it often bothers teh ever living hell out of me every time that lipstick/ non lipstick discussion comes up. It is assumed so often that participating in adornment which can be cultural, religious, ethnic, and powerful., is about pleasing men and means one thing.

In my life , adornment beauty practices are very much about taking care of myself and asserting my right to exist not as a second class citizen.

They're are years old inside jokes about me trying to find hair product/bras/makeup that don't suck or over sexualize me.

These beauty items these tropes are made even by other women as sexual signals that can be used and discarded, put on and put off to the necessity of the " pretty" girl.

But what if you can't? What if you can't not have full bee stung lips, what if you can't have non hugenormous boobs, what if you can't make your hair familiar and acceptable.

We know how those girls get treated.

When I read the article I immediately thought to my few and homey I mean FEW moments at the club.

I have seen situations paly out in front of my own eyes, at clubs and parties. Where a group of women has one pretty one or one not pretty one. We joke about it in popular culture " batting clean up" "slump buster" " taking one for the team". This idea taht letting someone else engage the pretty one is a mode of Herculean fortitude.

The underside, that is a lot more frightening. I have been in clubs where for whatever reason the non pretty one was thrown out, drunk in the wee hours of the morning, and seen how her girls who love her have been enticed, cajoled, and often straight up physically blocked from going to her to make sure she's okay. One amazing show of sisterhood involved a " pretty" girl whipping out a phone and threatening to call the cops and start screaming.

She was called a crazy bitch as she fought out,

Don't she know she pretty and has it good.

I have seen women left for that same reason, outside VIP out side the club.

Worse yet I have seen what happens when they are played against each other, non pretty having to "earn" her right to exist. How does she earn it

Remember there are some things pretty girls don't have to do.

Pretty is protected when I hear it.

In the years of this blog one of the things that without fail no matter who what or whom . It is without fail one of the challenges is " she's pretty/your jealous"

I won't go to deep into the connotations of why that happens ( another post) but the threat is implicit. When I hear about pretty conversations I often physically retreat backwards. Regardless of what is being said the saying is that I am a " non pretty" and it is well known what happens to non pretty women.

I know personally.

Whenever I am brought up on the pretty argument, it has been about my not being essentially, white enough or white desirous enough of whiteness.

Or more frightening and definitely threatening have been used as ways to freeze me out of social situations where many women " prettier " than me had had social capital I could not access.

Pretty (also"nice""stylish"fashionable" "cool") gets back up. Pretty ( often inferred not always true) means/t that for whatever person had met a standard that now that access gave permission to police.

" You too loud"
" If you just lost some weight you'd be so pretty"
" You have such pretty hair . What does it look like straight"

And the one big girls everywhere know

" you've got such a pretty face"

And for some this sounds like mean girls petty bullhsit, being implicated as threatening for being yourself. But what happens when it's your job, or a networking contact, or a boss , or a cop or a bouncer.

Nobody ever tells you your not pretty if there isn't a reason you'll suffer for it.

And if by some magical reason you happen to still be attractive while not being pretty. You will be disected, and photographed and pre categorized ( insert other post on why I won't talk about multiracialism in non Carib company)

but you still ain't pretty.

And what's worse you come to expect it. All of my friends and family are big on me not walking to trains or home by myself

( let wifey talk bout how a recent incident has made her come up with elaborate payback fantasies)


And when I read teh article I was stroke by how in comparison to story about other women ( always white often small and "pretty") no one spoke about how it was unexpected that she had been thrown out and left to herself.

Pretty girls shouldn't be left out and all that.

and she's not pretty. She' s beautiful , she looks full of life and vibrant and i know so any beautiful girls like her but she's not pretty

and she's brown

and it struck my soul that I had no expectation that she would be protected in a club.

Because I had learned it myself.

And being beautiful aesthetic or otherwise ain't never got you the smae thing like being pretty.

It's this that makes me think nothing of being left to walk late at night because well pretty cute girls ( always whiter ) need help. Even if they hit on you all night.

It's the thing that makes even me use pretty to things when I mean precious.

It' s the thing that makes it okay to battle over pretty.

I may be beautiful

but I ain't pretty .

and more than we like to say we know what that means.