Listen

Just who do you serve- Rose


Who are we listening to?

One question that has constantly reverberated in my mind is who are we listening to ?
At some point not now and probably really no time soon i will be able to express the love for my sisters and the joy ad the way i have tucked these wonderful people of all kinds in to my hearts.

I will talk of meeting danadocus Ravenm and others and their amazingness.

But what has concerned me is that when I came back full of love and full of drive, and returned to the blogosphere.

And at AMC I was uplifted and inspired by many people seeking to do work that served communities and was LED by communities.

But I find myself asking once again ( and thank fully in the space I asked it in this time I was not made to feel like I was alone or crazy but instead embraced)

Who are we serving with this?

This being environmentalism, racial justice, educational reform.social justice,LGBTQ rights

Who are we trying to listen to?

At AMC it was a medley of silliness (hold in your mind a picture of me and the wife skipping down the hallways in joy, chasing the Little and Baby BFP's screaming lunch time, entering a bar with the phrase the bloggers have arrived, and the best rendition of I Feel Pretty you will ever hear)

A medley of sadness ( no seriously Detroit is beautiful , what the fuck is up with not giving land to the people, yeah more trans gender bashing with VIDEO , yet she "started" it, police in NY never fail to disappoint )

And a medley of joyfulness ( SPEAK RETREAT! speak CD, Cyberquilting,INCITE!)

but when I came back both energized and frustrated but most importantly galvanized to do work?

I had to look at what I was working in , and things happened and I want to say I didn't respond with my trademark *String of expletives* oh hell no

this time i did something different inspired by the amazing women of color /women/people I had spent time with and listened.

I wanted to know why I was so angry, yes racism , yes sexism, yes general privileged stupid, but more than a few times when updated , or made aware of situations of people claiming to "listen and learn" and I responded not with not " Yeah progress but

" This shit again"

and not in a beleaguered way . But in a way that I will be fully blunt was designed to make the offender feel as damaged and unappreciated as possible.

What was I concentrating on that enlisted this response rather than a better more action oriented one?

* anvil from sky*

Just as much as i present myself here asking What we are listening to .

I have to ask ( continually no epiphany easy shit here) what I am listening to?

And I am angry , but I am angry because I am frustrated , I am sad, but MOST importantly.

I am terrified.

I am terrified at what we are listening to, where efforts are being directed, and how I myself can help feed that.

I am terrified of returning from AMC to look at COF and finding transphobic bullshit. I am terrified not because it exists , that is the sort of thing that sadly I understand is part of the fight.

What terrifies me is that it is handled once again with the meme of "busy/tired/just one person.

When this happened with the various racial specialness I have encountered, my personal FURY and hurt ran to the forefront.

What happens when I look a t it through my love?

It terrifies me that people I love , living their lives must from their allies be told that when it comes to importance it is not significant enough that in the rush to do whatever , making sure that transphobic crap , is not pushed forward NOT validated,for WHATEVER purpose, that instead of searching for buzzword diversity we consider dedicated movement building.

I am terrified when ALLIES ( self proclaimed) take little to no responsibility, or refuse to see how that lack plays into a very dangerous reality.

I am terrified to know what Ebony had hear before someone took her life, and that even people who want to support her can not find ways outside of their transphobia to truly respect her life,and stop calling her by a name she left long ago.

Where do people go when allies will call cops on them ( Yeah rose I am still not okay with that)

I am terrified when new WOC bloggers are frustrated and enfuriated

I am terrified because I have been there. I am terrified because I have read and been told and been grapevined , and back channeled that these people are " listening" . As if death, and rape and devaluing was something we listened to . As if not knowing what two say two weeks after many women of color already said it was something.

Here I will admit to still harboring anger, because this is not okay. This has not gotten " better". The specifics are no longer important or relevant. It is about the fact that tossing in bits and pieces that feature women of color but magically having not to say , while finding droves of ish on commercial ventures is not a benign neglect.

It's about these listening , improvement gestures never being FOR WOC but solely always on " your terms " in spaces you feel safe and never EVER performed with anything resembling the follow through with anything involving big pretty kyriarchy, and when called on it wringing your hands in hopes we'll go away and no one will notice this " good person learning process" has rendered more people unsafe, and uncared for.

I am terrified that I am still so angry so young, or that I should even be so concerned , I am terrified that this is a real concern. As this process while being continually introduced as something new , that the very real specter of erasure of destruction and demoralization of beautiful people is here and happening before our eyes.

That there is a precedent to write people out of the very history they created. That they wonder if they will even be invited. No one has to wonder if they were allowed to take a beating .That forty yeas later the children they forbears still have issues finding places to be loved.

I am terrified because these things become forgotten and subsumed , until we are Angry Black woman, Loud Latinas, with no history no connections.

Who are we listening to?

I need to listen to something new. I need to find a new way of looking at these things of writing these words, that serves not the desire for attention , but the love and concern I feel for these things.

I am mostly terrified that this idea, of love of speaking first from love and not from fear, to speak even in my frustration to no how my anger which is large and can do something , but how I can turn that same force forward in my love.

That peoepl I love are finding amazing ways to look at culture , that honor our humanities.

That peopel I love are coming back to write and I am excited.

that some where love keeps picking people up.

That is what I want to listen to.

To be continued