No one asked

There is no excuse for what I said.

It was not one of my more thought out and planned moments , it was not one of the best exemplars of my mothers raising me to be a " proper" woman.

But I said it and I meant it.

I had no intention of saying why I said it ,and as the converstaion has broadened it seems no one cares. Which was fine and dandy with me.

However contrary to the popular theory , I am not Manute Bol in heels, I am not a 60 year old sage.

I am a 23 year old girl, I am a 23 year old girl who started a blog at 21 to deal with teh most painful things you can imagine, I am a 23 year old girl who still doesn't comprehend fully how these two plus y ears of writing have evolved into this community , and this perceived influence ( did I really end up on SALON ?!?! Did I really just get see Bitch have dang nigh three posts on me?) I am a 23 year old girl who was put in what was an upsetting and hurtful and pretty gobsmackingly racially charged situation, and came to the end of my rope and then

Saw someone I love hurt.

Not some theory , not some chance at my livelyhood , no some shot at teh old boys network, but this amazing wonderful human was todl essentially:

Great Job , not white enough.

And you know what after a day or so of this

( so good she needed two parts)

I was at that point.

FUCK EM.

We'll get this done ourselves , in fact in the car on our way most of the time in Donna's minivan of glory was spent finding ways to get it done through other venues. We don't sit and wait , we do

When i went back to the hotel and wrote. I wrote to Adele , I wrote to BFP, to Sudy, to Mehta, To Wifey, To Lex, to Jessica,To Nadia.

So THEY knew where my heart was, so THEY knew what was my priority , which was FUCK EM we can and will and have done this ourselves. That this book these words we could take care of.

And then all hell broke loose.

And yes she wanted to call and say something , and I said uh NO!

If my priority is this book , these words ( which NOPE she wasn't proposing to SEAL ) then why on earth does she need to get involved off of my big mouth using bad phrase choice?

But you see I love good people. And I support her wanting to come forward and i will hold her up in doing so .

Because it is this support that makes teh difference , the specific and real and NAMED acknowledgement that our pain our lives aren't theory.

And everyday in thsi blogosphere for the past weeks for me has made it harder and harder.

Because this incident and teh loss of BFP ( why yes to me the big story is not about X's deals or credibility but I don't have the words of this amazing woman in teh public anymore) is the erasure of WOc as human beings.

Funnily enough if you go throughout the web as this has blown up propogated and multiplied, something is conspicuously absent.

ME.

You see part of the reason I didn't want Adele to come out with this,

NO ONE ACTUALLY ASKED

No one cared why I said what I said , just that clutch your pearls TEH BIG MENA BLACK WOMAN PICKED ON A PRESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because being todl tiem and time again that your message and your tactics and teh space you create for yourself is imperfect, badly toned or not important enough ( yet)

but to watch it magically become so if here is enough "buzz" or the right (white ) face behind it

That does not even have words to describe it.

We have no words for it we have only events.

We have only discoveries of graves and bodies, of " untold attrocities".

that we have been telling .

I wonder what kids said something and were todl it's not important yet, that we'll get to it

maybe when it's a zeitgeist

And then to see the responses that have bended backwards and forwards to protect some participants , while going so far as to speculate on others mental health.

to see time and time again pledges made that this time , from this moment forth they will do better for their movement

and THat's what it takes

because they have platforms and they want to lead.

As if by wnating to lead they don't seem to understand that once again means we have to follow.

That all of these things can happen and NONE NONE of the WOC involved were given as much as a by your leave

and it's called progress.

That these experimentations in doing better aren't almost always spreding shit in our backyards to se eif maybe this time it will save us.

Better feminism ,

meanwhile these great upsurges to lead to be better.

Only serve to distance a
( as BFP so eloquently wrote)

our WORK from our communities or PEOPLE , by validating systems where it is assumed no only do we need whiteness as validation but that we have no access to it

and then to call that process of doing it to our faces instead of in your backs
PROGRESS?!?!

to someone I love.

Yeah I said Fuck em

We will do what we always done, inthose cars, in those hotel rooms, churches,mosques, basements,fields

we say it to save ourselves

but no one actually asked me.