I Am The Firestarter

I wish a motherfucker would. I wish not for gifts or presents or stories. I wish for the strength. I do not wish for I wish to do. I wish the way my foremothers taught me Ida, June, Angela, In The Name of Lourde I wish to be able to rise and face and overcome And I wish to be tested with those gifts when I WISH a mother fucker would - Blackamazon ( kinda ) 2008

.

I Reread this piece by Jessica Hoffman and this amazing description of how i made up my wish:

[Alexis] was trying, she said, to think about accountability--about who she was accountable to in that space. She was accountable to women of color who were there, and could everybody spend some time thinking about their session for the next day, envisioning what they really wanted it to be, what kind of space they wanted to create for women of color in this environment?

In the space we created at WAM I was guided by my sistren to be accountable to love.

Love of Women of Color and allies and teh things we love

Love through wishing.

And my love?

My love is fierce. My love throws chairs , my love is selfish, my love is grandstanding dramatic, backed with 200+ pounds damn near 6ft of muscle fat sinew and crazy.

And I start fires.

To be honest to me the newest fire ( which this my in total maybe 4th comment on ) is an out cropping from my experience at WAM.

Sudy does an excellent blow by blow and . Donna's link round up is wonderful.

When I read these things I am so proud and happy that peopel felt safe and warm and comfortable being open in our session.

Because speaking for myself I felt ill often, jittery, un welcome and spectated.

It started form the beggining didn't get better and the after math as you can see is absolutely fantabulous.

Please understand that teh place where Sudy was " jokingly" told she would be executed, was a space we had to pay for in hopes of possibly maybe making connections. Sudy's ability to do media was secondary to concerns we might make someon elook bad.

Execute .

After I stood to talk about my father.

After Nadia talked about death threats

" Where women's words matter"

Not ours.

Because when we say we right through fear of our lives those threats are back burnered to making a joke at how "serious" this space is taken.

Execute.

We paid for thsi privilege.

To be unable to make anything that might hodl people accountable , so that we can be accountable to them.

Execute.

My face must look like thunder.

Execute they say this to my Sudy. And the eyes on us with no names , no intros , no NOTHING have already begun ,

Because I admitted to be Blackamazon (firestarter)

Reception I am so hungry I could die and HOUSE fig spread and puffs.

"Bitch is teh new black" is social commentary , because black bitches don't get power you see. We may want to be black , you may want to replace black with bitch but the both doesn't happen. Reams of lists of teh poor treatment Hillary is getting but pleas etack on racism at the end.

Bitch is the new black.

I keel over and breathe deep , those eyes again and again, as if I can't read name tags and know who you are.

I look right back

until

Bitch is the new Black.

and I keel over because my head get's light and I can't get air. my friends rub my back

As i listen to wishes for a female Don Imus.

Conveniently forgotten that he destroyed teh joy of a team , mostly of the black bitch variety not the new kind but the old to be famous.

but the famous is what counts.

There is no accountability to teh fact that for is prominence art of his schtick was to run over WOC to his fame.

just envy he has it.

When we can't find a room we are wrong it is impossible , it will be handled?

Until my face is liek thunder , when tehyf inally find one , and I turn she jumps back as if i will eat her.

That stare again , that look.

Because i don't getupset that you're taking time to create love and peace with those I love .

No

I of course am focusing on how to hurt you .

BUt then there is the love. so Much I can not contain it, i feel it it's weight

so much

so varied

and i made my wish
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Then I blogged and I said three words and kerplowed the web it seems.

II am guessing my question about this and other things is the assumption of mutual desire.

When I look over my comments , Brooke states well she wanted to start a dialogue.

Except what about me going FUCK SEAL PRESS says I want a dialogue?

I am actually not saying this to be rude or sarcastic , but it was three words, in caps and emphatic.

I know there are people who don't like me, I know there are people who love me but both tend to agree , I am a bit unwavering ( nice way of saying stubborn like a damn ox) .

It wasn't an open statement. It also wasn't kind or measured but I wasn't intending it to be.

This desire to have a dialogue was assumed.

That assumption is often presented as a esire for saving? the movement/website/etc/

to help women/the left/ the democratic party.

It's also ALWAYS couched in the threat of you have no where to go , or I will blackmail/end / silence / not support you when needed.

That underlying threat is in my mind deplorable.

I don't necessarily WANT TO TALK. I am one me. I am NOT a publisher, editor , nor do I ever present my self as one. And time and time again present themselves to me privileg first,

hoping to either intimidate , or solidary shame me into doingw hat they want.

With those threats ,these assumptions

And frankly the assumption that doing so with me is doing me a favor is arrogance at it's highest , if not straight up condescending white/male /class privilege

ESPECIALLY the way it's presented to women of color.

We have other places to go.

We have ALWAYS had other places to go.

And when we don't

We make them.

People keep repeating that they felt safe and loved and protected at our session.

Which is wonderful and makes me happy and is something we had to create or at least I felt we had to

BEcause i felt anything but.

I spent most of WAm feeling sick, ready to cry , and trying desperately between sadness and sheer white hot shaking fury to get some air into my lungs.

Having people be scared of you or walk into things or half glance a you , makes some people feel powerful , it makes my stomach hate me. Mind you I won' t change to make people at ease cause damn it not my job ( told you stubborn like ox)

But no I am not on this power trip I am not an attention needer ( for these cases)

I have interests, friends, enemies . loves,hates ,crushes shiny objects, and a whole variety of things

Like any other human being so when some wants something a dialogue

They are ASKING me something

and yes you have to ask me in a way I want.

Call me whatever you like but bottom line

No matter what you think you have no right to me. Just as I have no right to you

The Seal Press blow up is interesting to me ( in a kind of wait a minute how did i do that one OH man) in so much asconcurrently people from WAM have been responding to posts and round ups . While the answers have been in my mind more of the same said to WOC online since we got it bumping about two years ago, but you know what their asking us for something.

However right now

I wouldn't go back.

I frankly am just weary. I am weary of hearing the explanation of why this mistake or that mistake was made oddly with just about every part of my experience

while also reading how other people with characteristics that magically fit certain criteria have over the moon times.

I'm just weary of hearing but hey I'm/we're representing these things and in our happy utopia oops we forgot and maybe next time well get it right . Care to try again?

I'm weary of having to listen to discussion after discussion that ends up improving things that I had little part in making

Or when that conversation predicates on saying well hey even though I was in your space,felt unsafe , felt , unwelcome, was mistreated

just because you didn't intend to means you did nothing wrong. That requires I absolve guilt before we even talk

I'm weary of having to here these discussions as why we should give more and more and more.

I'm not tired in the sense of this ways on me and saps on me and i take it around.

I have a place to go, I have presses and conferences, and friends and interests and ways to work and build to

This burden I can lay down.

I made this blog for myself for those I CHOOSE to represent and no I don't to have to.

You are asking

I don't have to make you feel good about asking for something YOU want.

I am not part of anything concerned in my own mind with power and showing out for the attention.

If people agree or disagree with me they do so of their own accord. We're not just shouting to be included. We're shouting because we're angry

And our anger isn't a tool to get things from someone . I have my thoughts on why it's perceived as such in certain quarters but frankly

I don't think for most folks they matter.

BEcause in the end I am not being seen through the realities of who I am , what I do, and

Frankly it's not about even seeing me as a human.

It's about seeing me as a saint, a token, a rep for diversity, a heathen , a brat , a bitch

I am not accountable to these people.

They are not entitled to me

I am willing when I am treated how I want to be treated to talk to ANYONE but no I no longer and should have never had to keep dealing with ANYONE just in the name of "solidarity"

when I have the choice of dealingw ith those I want and can see building actual change with

and that includes my very crazy foul mouthed

HUMAN love

A love that starts fires

and owns them

I am the firestarter

and I wish

A motherfucker would.

In Love STILL,

BA