* looks to make sure everyone whose simply here for the bloodsport is gone or at least kind of gone*
So in my typical Leo fashion, since nobody asked . I am going to TELL you anyway. and directly because after this I am not sure. I hope this post accomplished about four things
- The meme by PRofBW on why Gender Studies ( which I hope to be getting into)
- The question by Sudy Why blogging?
- A response to the orgasmic brillance that is my sistren BFP ( with some disagreements but goddman she fabulous)
- A statement of my personal manifest ( as per my horoscope and my wifey)
This would be a perfect time for you to write your ultimate personal manifesto. I'm talking about composing a sweeping statement of the core ideas that fuel your lust for life. To get you in the mood, take a look at the following lyrics from Danny Schmidt's song "Company of Friends." "I believe in restless hunger . . . I believe in private thunder . . . I believe in inspiration . . . I believe in slow creation . . . I believe in lips on ears . . . I believe in being wrong . . . I believe in contradiction . . . I believe in living smitten . . . I believe our book is written by our company of friends."
- A restate of the Soul Shaking Love Post where I am not a whiny speaking of myself in third person scaredy cat.
Knowing me they may accomplish none or all or even more. But my big push right now is to stop doing what I do in number five .
Which is being mad and mean and furious with myself at not being perfect. To stop joining in on a chorus of people QUICK to berate me for not being some idealized version of myself in my head.
And more than ever the past three weeks have shown me I can't do that here. Not in the way I have been.
I am tired, I am un well , and I am exhausted. I barely listen to music , I rarely dance and I don't sing . I haven't read for fun in ages.I have repeated dreams about being trapped in cold snowy places with minutes to live and not being able to squeeze through , and having to fight my body to wake up. I am unsure of myself and cry constantly when I am alone. And then I have to get up put on a mask and pretend that it is okay to make sure I don't get evicted.
I don't believe in these dreams , in these feelings or this life. I CAN'T believe in this or I will not make it.
I believe I want to study in "academia" again, because I miss reading and thinking and " labbing" work . I miss what I had started to do towards the end of my academic career , not in classes but in my own person work, examining my reality and history , as a WOC performer and thinker as a conduit for cross cultural exchange in performance. I believe in books , and opera , and hip hop. I believe in long ass strenuous workouts, physical , mental ,vocal, creative that make this happen.
I believe that there should be canonical works. I believe that those works should be just that, CANONS. Open salvos in " battles"designed to literally grapple and destroy and rebuild them . Text that lives an breathes and is on it's feet , on it's back , on it's toes. How we take theory and make art. And how that is CONNECTED eternally through performance and history.
Most importantly how that performance is SPECIFICALLY and practically located in POC bodies and there interactions with personalizing and culturing various artforms , both intentionally and SIMPLY BY THEIR PRESENCE.
I believe that this means not the current model of constantly vulturing, picking and stagnating art and artist by bring them into the academy , but of pushing the academy OUT into art. I believe teenagers should ALWAYS have a place on campuses but more importantly colleges should always be in place and accountable to teenagers where they live. I believe that archives and knowledge should be ACTUALLY accessible to the people not just theoretically so.
I believe every Ivy League college should have a community center,garden and school on its campus, RUN BY THE COMMUNITY of which it is not a benevolent overlord but an ACTUAL COMMUNITY MEMBER.
I believe I can help bring this about by TEACHING and LEARNING from youth , form elders, friends enemies , loves , and lovers by studying, truly interacting and living a life dedicated to
studying Women , Gender, Women of Color as not a discipline but as a living breathing NECESSITY TO OUR INTELLECTUAL AND CORPOREAL LIVES.
I believe that I started doing this work by blogging. I believe that while I had no way of knowing when I was 21 what it would come to I knew exactly what I was doing. I wanted to write my self into existence and I believe I wanted to share my thoughts with the world. I believe that teh Seal Press mess and WAM and FFF have shown that I did that .
But I also believe that's not where I want it to end. I do NOT want to be Jimminy Cricket to a white feminist movement. An undervalued often shunted aside conscience that is there solely to demonstrate how hard they are trying. I believe I want to work with my sistren, brethren and family. I believe that no matter what I come to this and from this with a fierce earth shaking LOVE.
What I didn't have and still in many ways don't was lot's of time and or money. So I blog because
It is where I am at NOW.
However it is not where I believe I will or can stay.
I believe I will find and have found some community , and that I can both achieve my dreams and be of better service, not to my " movement" and " the greater good" but living breathing people whom my life and destiny ARE INTERTWINED WITH.
Part of what I believe in is that because our destinies our intertwined
Nobody INCLUDING ME gets a pass.
I adore my people but part of what scared and has scared me about this mess so far is that while yes I did turn out to be "right"
I won't always. I will screw up I will fuck up
and I should be held accountable. Even if you believe that I am good and wonderful , when I OR ANYBODY says or does things ,( in my case completely without any good forethought) t hat so stringently and forcefully condemn , or create .
THEY SHOULD BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE. Not berated or yelled at or armchair analyzed or fought with but battled. That we must create non defensive open communities where everyone not only is held accountable but welcomes that accountability as part of membership. That each INDIVIDUAL is held for what they have done.
I believe that for whatever reason , I have not participated fully in creating and fostering that community, by being an active present listener commenter, and fostering the discussions I hope for.
I have many problems that I am still working out over this new explosion, is that there seems to be a general consensus I do this on purpose. As if i say things looking to inflame. I read my own stats , I NEVER imagined I had the ability to generate THIS KIND OF READERSHIP.
Do you know what it's like to read the website that helped start your progressive /radical life describe you being disrespected and hurt as a maelstrom?TO mention your name once and magically turn you into women of color while expressing sympathy for people who flat out made you cry. To turn one SINGULAR you into this monolithic beast as if the people who agreed with you couldn't possibly be diverse interested in their own realities but some side that is being 'counterproductive" and not ACTUALLY wounded?
And then to say I won't pick a winner? As if this was some kind of GAME?!
DO you know what it's like to read time and time AGAIN someone you love dearly be frigging ROASTED in " polite terms" and have it be okay. To watch people make pledges and commitments that magically disappear the REALITY and specifics of what has harmed you and hurt you in the name of " objectivity". Where in objectivity means we're going to protect HER in expense of HER and EMPHASIZE the power we have by promising that THIS TIME we will give it to you?
As if that doesn't make us the ULTIMATE OTHER? As if This benevolent desire to lead or to do BASIC frigging research is such a life changing act, and not ANOTHER way of affirming a death grip on privilege power and NON equitable action?
And those are the " GOOD" responses!
And just in case your wondering in the grand cluster screw of this how many people actively involved with basically screwing me over, making me uncomfortable, or cry have actively in any way tried to CONTACT AND TALK TO ME
Zero.
I believe i am in a place however where that thing still bothers me . It matters to me. I am still in some ways waiting hopefully for a dialog that is in no ACTUAL interest to people.
I believe that if I am and i continue, what little power and hope I have carved here will ultimately be frittered away in the WRONG direction. i believe there are now connections and
communities and opportunities I am actively avoiding because of fear and sadness and NOT ENOUGH TIME.
I believe that there is better to be done. I believe I can find it I believe until until i can find those communities and truly contribute. I am not truly living those beliefs.
I will not be gone forever, I need to fundraise for AMC , bring light to the dark places and support those I Love .
but I believe first I need to take care of myself.
This BlackAmazon
Signing Off
Posts
20 comments:
xxoo
i still want to have cake with you
Take care of yourself. Be well.
hey BA,
i've been thinking the last couple days about why i love your writing so much. and i realized it is because you write your feelings just as they are, you put your whole heart out there, and that is really bold.. when you put your whole heart out there, then it can hurt a lot more when people show up to cuss at you for it. i hope that in the end this business will only make you bolder.
i'm a really new face around here - i've only been reading your blog since a little before the recent ugly mess, and never did really introduce myself. but i just wanna say that i really appreciate your writing. (and seeing that you are a leo too, it makes even more sense :)
you said something a little while ago about wanting to go into academia but being unsure about it. i'm glad that you're thinking of pursuing it still. living on the margins sucks, but even in the margins of academia, there is so much that you can do, and so many people you can inspire. i wish you the best with it.. i hope that i have the privilege to meet you in person some time.
I feel like bursting into tears, but you're right: you need to take care of yourself.
Be well, and remember that we all love you.
Can I join you?
Adele
Sounds like the right priorities, BA, wrt taking care of yourself and then also nurturing the ideas and goals you care about.
"An undervalued often shunted aside conscience that is there solely to demonstrate how hard they are trying."
I agree, you and the causes you care about deserve much better. If all the energy now being devoted to white feminists ranking ourselves and each other as online allies were actually being focused around actual work as opposed to "trying," that'd be a good thing.
The intent is often good, but the results often negligible IRL. As people living in the world, we should focus on the kinds of contributions that aren't simply fodder for online self-aggrandizement.
Eager to hear your plans about school and activism.
::sigh::
We'll smash more closet mirrors in another Marriot someday.
I can't wait to see you in a few months. Pass my love to Wifey.
XO
Be well, and good luck.
stay strong, take care of your self, seek loving people.
I always am heartened and inspired by your writing and will keep checking in for your return. Thanks for giving so much already.
I haven't given up on academia, although it also has taught me whole new levels of needing-to-seek-out-allies and picking my battles.
but the time to think, the conversations, and sometimes the teaching, too, matter a lot.
Hi BA,
Though this is my first comment, it is not the first time I have read your site. Like many, I was first introduced to your site via the FFF controversey last spring, and have been a consistent and faithful reader ever since; always enjoying, often considering, and occasionally profoundly learning something that I had not considered before, or hadn't heard it expressed from the first person perspective.
There have been many times I wanted to comment, but as a white male felt that I could be more effective if I did as I have told others to do, and "talk less, listen more". For the most part, I am glad I did that. Though after the latest BS that came to light in the past few weeks I wish that I had engaged in this space and other spaces before now, where another voice may have helped to make you and others feel a little more heard, and perhaps a little more supported. I am sorry that I haven't done that before now.
As I said, I have learned much, continue to learn more, and realize the day I say that there is no more to learn should be the day I get a boot to my ass telling me to get a grip. I just wanted to say a very direct and pointed thank you, for playing a part in my becoming more aware, and because of that, having the potential to become a better person. Thanks again.
Even tho you are hurt and disappointed the bulk of your post was about strong faith in something better and expressing love (the kind of radical love hooks talks about in her more recent work, not the cheesy tv love). Where ever you are right now, no matter how long your blog break, you have expressed two emotions most of us are missing in this spiraling situation. Occasionally myself included.
Hang in there!
Thank you very much for your activism and writing and for sharing both with us.
Take care of yourself.
Your blog is amazing. I often have a pretty short attention span for blog posts (I find screenreading much more difficult than page-reading, to be honest) but for your blog I always make it through even the longest posts. I look forward to your return and trust that you will be doing good work in the meantime (and after!), even though you will be sorely missed.
I have been reading you nearly forever (more than at least a year) and have only lurked, but I have gained so much.
Your better is more than my "best", and I wish and pray heartily for you to have anything and everything that it is you need to have to keep speaking, to keep shining that light of hope you produce in all of us who read you.
You are luminous.
There are those who are jealous, and who would wish to hide your light.
And your battling, (all that it may (and will) cost you), is bright and hopeful, proud and truthful, beyond a thousand suns.
I am honored to have your words in my life.
take care of your heart, your spirit, your creative being, your physical and emotional health, ba. we love you !
Take care, BA.
I am one of those people who should have contacted you. I came by your blog sort of roundabout -- I'm a regular reader of ABW's blog, and wrote in response to her call for the carnival. But all this... all this stuff going down right now... It boggles my mind. And it just sucks so much.
I think your vision of a university is beautiful. I hope one day I can see it, or something like it. Do take care of yourself.
--- Ico
i hope you don't erase your blog. maybe someone will turn it into a (great) book.
BA,
Hi there. I'm writing about the whole appropriation/book promo storm going on over at Feministe. Big fight there, but mostly all the white people fighting it out. I know you and other bloggers kind of got sick of it all and maybe washed your hands of feminism, but... Are we (me and the other white people carrying on this battle, plus a few PoC like Littlem) drowning you out? I don't want to become as much of a problem as the people I'm arguing with. Please let me know. Thank you, and be well.
-- Ico
You ARE wonderful, BA, AND you WILL fuck up (every once in a while) for the rest of your life. That's the good news as well as the bad news. Can you imagine the nightmare burden of ALWAYS being totally together in a world where nobody else is? Read the Dalai Lama writing about his own struggles with anger and pride and mo' shit. Imahna love you regardless. In fact, I love you at least partly BECAUSE I used to BE you. I've come a long over the decades, but mostly paaaaainfully. Sigh.
I was over fifty-years-old when I called my boss, then his boss, then her boss, and on up the line until there was nobody left to tell off and quit my job to. And then I didn't leave. Yeah. And I was so valuable (and such a nut-job, apparently), none of them ever even mentioned it after the fact. I still wince when I think about placing those phone calls one after another that afternoon. One of the "problems" of being on the internet is that you can click enter and tell the whole freaking world instead of just your boss's boss's boss's bosses. We eat a lot of crow in our lives, BA. But it's okay. Eventually, I learned a whole bunch of cool recipes for it. :^)
In the meantime, you must really be hot shit if your faux pas appears in the national media. Give 'em that old Mona Lisa smile and wave like the queen you are. This too shall pass -- and probably already has to a great degree. You may be only 23, but you're on the road to wherever you're headed and even when you're 63, you're still gonna be learning. Just like the rest of us. Love you.
Post a Comment