I want....

There is little of an introduction I can give right now, except to say finding out you were right doesn't make you feel better or make your life easier. That being said I do not mind the work. I keep focusing on work because more and more the world seems to be delineating into those who know it's true value and those who do not. I focus on work today because , in some ways I found out how much time left I have with my mother and it's not enough. My mother has had her first diagnosis. We are waiting for a followup but it is pretty likely she has MS. IN fact considering the other option I am now in a strange position of hoping she has MS.

And the only thing I can truly get a grip on in this is that my mother was the one who taught me to work.

And at work we started talking about the economy and the elections and well..

It goes back to work.

We have long as a society tried to pretend we value hard work and we are now reaping the sowing of that pretense.

In six months I will turn 24, which if you can do the math puts my birth right in the middle of Reganomics.

The slashing of welfare , the conglomerating of non profits , the screwing of education, and while Steve Martin may joke, I was actually born a poor black child.

And the fact is the US is dealing with what it started doing at my birth as are social movements,cultural , social justice.

You see one thing I Have said , I have always said and I have been quoted as saying is that " we have to treat kids as if they are going to grow up to lead".

When I was a kid in no short term education was hosed,graduate education escalated mindboggingly fast and welfare and most industrial jobs got destroyed while we engaged inpointless colonizing racist xenophobic big dick contest on an international scale.

What that means that now the best determinant of an individuals financial security is not their work ethic , their intelligence

but the amount of money their PARENTS had at birth.

If you are smart and strive and innovative enough to push your way into these hallowed halls of education and privilege

You are either a) forced to compete against your fellow strivers for crumbs in ways that permanently damage your ability to look at others and anything but competitors
b) Forced to pay back EXORBINANT amounts in funds rather than use that talent and drive to improve innovate

c) live in poverty if you eschew and b

And suddenly it's 20 years later and the system that forces you to do so is staggeringly shocked they lack innovations or innovators or that thinkers are hard to come by or that it's "creatives " are so small a pool and not that creative cause they don't come up with new ideas.

And now suddenly there's little new the youth look like unimpressive privileged snots or you can't get an in with the ones that aren't so you hope to buy it only to find by the time they jump at the dangly treat their not what you want?

And you know what it sucks but hey the ones who are working through it still do it.

My mom taught me that work was it's own reward , a light house, a good meal, great friendships, a good ( at times) marriage .

You work because it's what you believe in .

And As I was shooting the political breeze with colleagues ( in one very odd world me and the staunch capitalist white male were in COMPLETE AGREEMENT) it was so shocking how many brilliant amazing young minds

" work to pay off school cause they can't even think of grad school yet"
" would love to teach but can't afford to not help their parents"
" have a really good idea about x but need time to develop it"
" are angry at themselves at not being further along.... at 25"

and to flash back to fight after fight in ivy halls about how my even being there was affirmative action gone wrong cause some private school chicks boyfriend didn't get in, even as she was the number on recipient with no job

and I was still busting her ass with my two .

And dude three doors down and two played football and was trying to learn sign language to talk to his deaf sister

And no it's not like people aren't working but

You know what the mommy's little girl in me

Is just tired and sad and scared.

Because I don't care what other people have .

I want my mom to be able to not be sad every morning she goes to work, and tell me how sad she is cause I'm not studying the way she'd know I'd love to cause I'm trying to pay rent at 23.

I want my mom to nit look at my old song books and text books and videos and wonder why I don't sing anymore.

I'm tired of my mom thumbing wistfully through textbooks and talking about wanting to go to school

and finding out that may not happen cause hey she is most likely gonna die in the next ten years

I'm tired of hearing folks explain why starving and LITERALLY GASLIGHTING people to death is THEIR OWN FAULT, and that their trying to STAY ALIVE makes them insects.

I REPEAT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW THE SYSTEMATIC STARVING OF PEOPLE IS THEIR OWN FAULT AND HOW THAT MAKES THEM INSECTS

I want in general to stop feeling I have to depend on others to live, even as I work my ass off ( well round my ass doest work off just rounder or firmer)

I want to not look at my stunningly talented peers and be upset that they can't even explore the opportunities given them cause they happen to be brown or poor or both.

I want to not read about stimulus packages that basically insult my intelligence because they think that given two grand I'm not gonna pay down debt but instead by a new shiny toy ( shit I've needed a new computer for TWO YEARS but best BELIEVE should it come through AES will get the bulk of that check and the rest will go to VISA and whatever's left goes to my rainy day fund)

I would LOVE for this weeks older white feminist to not erase my existence and shut the hell up and enjoy her relatively comfortable existence instead of proving once again when it counts she'll always ALWAYS choose her right to feel better by proxy than you know me and mine to be alive or be treated as an intelligent humans and bargaining chips.

I would also love that we stop pretending the solipsistic behavior they see in youngsters isn't directly connected to the fact that for real , many can't afford to make statements like that , they don't sit on boards, and gues what if being quiet is the difference between keeping the middle class life and
LIVING LIKE ME

I would never switch with em but I don't blame em, but shhh they'd have to admit in addition to screwing over others they barely served their constituency

during that time

when I was a baby

a poor black child and unimportant

but most of all

I just want my mommy.

But she gave me work and I will hold on to it and her for as long as she is here and long after.

But I still want my mommy