As promised I am sitting in front of a computer hiccuping and dreamy on hour 22 of a two hour day and
DRUNK.
See in college when I was this exhausted/toasted it was after a show that tended in me having cyber sex with the same boy. I did most of the heavy lifting /typing it was something I
NEEDED
Three sheets in the wind I think my big question is why we don't treat sexual desire and autonomy as something that is needed.
You see that was part fo my nunnery decision and part of my reason for leaving.
I Was an early late bloomer
Late in that I ma what 7 or five years out side the LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY time line ( and most of modern science wants to insure I am some sort of bygone era HEffa lump destined for a life time of problems for it)
but I been freaking out OTHER people about consent since i was a wee one.
I had my first orgasm at like 6 and though even at 10 my mom had a small nervous break down about me masturbating
I still do it
And why
Cause i Need it.
If I don't get a nut at LEAST three times a week . I'm a hellion . I'll eat anything i can or be generally the devil .
And it's serious SERIOUS a part of my general make up.
ANd to be honest a good part of my nun desire was the hope of curing it.
" Curing"
Yes there was a pioint i asked to be cured of my 5 minute orgasms and oral fixation.
ANd remember I'm 23 I'm post OUr bodies ourselves, whats happening to our bodies, etc etc
Also remember I'm black( mixed)
TtHe shame I received was interesting because the same culture that taught me hip rolls, and prized my flexibility and kept me in oils , and juices and layers upon layers of sensual delights
as a practice.
Was the same culture that urged me to SQUASH It if I was to fully pursue my goals as an " intellectual"
in a white world
As if it was a choice.
Ses petit my thought is that sexual care fits int o self care because it is an admission of yourself and the right to live as that self
and drunken me wanted to be pressed face down in a sheet, one hand on a keyboard listening to squelching noises as i spun fantasies about sucking some dudes very life essence out of his penis and begging to finish.
However that pleasure while intrinsic is not without responsibility.
Far too often in both the glamour cosmo blah blee world AND in some bastions of feminisms ( I am drunk I don't feel like referencing)
The goal seems to be this mindless " It's okay you SHOULDN't HAVE TO WORK To get off /get rights/ enjoy sex"
and the only thing i can come up with is
Is that that stance makes it easier to sell us shit
Audre Lourde's
USes of the Erotic was a great analysis of how the process of arousing our erotic sensibilities was an AMAZING tool in learning to be revolutionary and caring for our selves.
IT 's easier to skip that step.
BEcause far two many people don't like what happens when we do.
We start doing things like burning gender ( side note: I work with the world s most adorable posturing baby butch)
Questioning movements taht don't factor in our own erotic capabilities r sensibilities
Eroticism that exchange can not be built on NARCISSISM at least not healthy erotics.
many of thes e" pleasure guides" ( that i ocmebd as a hornball and a sex counselor) mad eno bones about coopting cultural signifiers from INdia West Africa to pursue NArcistic sexual aims.
IN so much as
" IT'S ALL ABOUT ME"
is NOT THAE SAME AS
I AM WORTH DOING WHAT I FIND PLEASUREABLE
The last one that one is where revolutions happen , not in the masturbating for peace vein but in the if a woman or man ctrans or cisgendered
Truly knwo what insecurities , sensualities and commonalities allwo them to put them in THE MOST VULNERABLE of situations PERSONALLY
it becomes monumentally harder to lead them and steer them.
I KNOW
because as soona s I realized that oral fixated hand on her chocha , big titted bitch in me wasn't going awya
I was less susceptible to teh suggestions she should .
and this was not the discovery of my inner dominatirix ( though I walk like one) but the discovery of an oral fixated spankable cock hungry nymphet.
who ye sstilla virgin
and not in theis incredibly spreading
ITS OKAY I WONT BE ASHAMED ITS CUTE AND ADVERTISE ABLE WAY
but in the
This is what i need and i wont accept anything else nor
WILL I LET ANYTHING or anyone try and sell me ANY OTHER VERSION OF IT
PEtit imagine what movement full of people thinking like that loosk like
instead of trying to norm down
Question for you: Please elaborate on the heteronormative bias because thast a whole nother fine kettle of fish that i want to SCREAM about but still drunk.
Also comments open and since i wrote it honest while drunk ill answer honest while sober!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Drunk and open
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14 comments:
"I think my big question is why we don't treat sexual desire and autonomy as something that is needed."
Christ, I don't know. You're so right, it IS. It so, so, is.
I dunno if you heard about this but Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti are putting together an anthology of essays that this very topic would be beautiful in. I know you're busy, but this book could be awesome, and I think you'd have something really valuable to add. Hell, wouldn't surprise me if you already had something on here that would go in it easily.
I am burned because this shit is sizzling hot...WOOOOOOOOO. Mama you are en fuego and Luv this post with a capital LLLLLLLLL.
I love your Need.
I love this beautiful erotic truth you put forward.
As for what Whatsername just put up - suggesting this for the Valenti/Friedman antholog...uh, my I don't know how to tell you this Whatsername...Suggesting to BA to submit her divine to anything Valenti is working on is like offering an AK47 to a farmer: their works are just not going to match up.
And, to intentionally understate, let's just say there's some history there between BA and Valenti. Valenti's first book, Full Frontal Feminism: A Young Woman's Guide to Why Feminism Matters had clearly nothing to do with Young Women of Color and BA's work is destined for publications that can handle earthquakes, not shivers.
I know the history, and it gave me pause as to whether to post anything about it.
But as I said it "could" be a awesome. It could also not be awesome, we'll have to see.
But the topic is fantastic. And important.
In the end, I thought it would be worse for me to let the opportunity pass.
If it's out of line, or BA isn't interested for whatever reason, my apologies. And my post is easy enough to ignore. If she is, well then, perhaps her earthquakes can find their way to an even larger audience.
YES! You're so right! I try to talk about this sometimes, but I have trouble articulating the distinction between the value of sensual pleasure and an attitude of commercialized erotic entitlement.
I don't know what it is about your writing, BA, but I always want to hug you and dance about when I read it. You are always amazing.
Ugh. The amount of twisted and unhelpful that sex functions as in the world fucking kills me. And this post is one of the reasons I feel in love with and safe "with" you here on the internets. The first post of yours I ever read had to do with sex stuff, and had this same understanding and questioning to it.
And it's not like I think *everything* at all times with all people is fucked up around sex - I certainly have had a lot of excitement and sweetness myself, and I think in general people do strive for that even as it seems to be elusive. It's more that, in the middle of the striving, I also encounter a lot of blindness that dead-ends it. Examples like, someone understanding why I no longer can tolerate fucking people just to fuck people, but who make the jump to thinking it's about "now she has the dignity to act like a lady." ???!! Or, understanding the above, but not getting why I would feel such grief about not getting to have sex. Or understanding (supposedly but not truly) the grief around not getting laid, but not understanding why then the solution isn't to just go get laid since the option exists.
What you said:
"This is what i need and i wont accept anything else nor
WILL I LET ANYTHING or anyone try and sell me ANY OTHER VERSION OF IT"
and also about wishing at some point to be cured of being so sexual, hoping maybe the nun thing would help - I relate to all of that especially.
Most people I meet/know don't see things the way you do. And I can't relate to anyone who doesn't. So mostly I can't relate to people when it comes to sex.
It's not by far the only reason I am berzerk for you and this blog, but really you are like an oasis with this shit, for me.
I think my big question is why we don't treat sexual desire and autonomy as something that is needed.
Who doesn't treat sexual desire and autonomy as "something that is needed"?
I think the more significant question is sexual autonomy, and we absolutely treat it as if it's needed. It's included in the strive for all kinds of individual human autonomy, and feminists have fought for women's sexual autonomy which is almost unprecedent in history.
It's difficult to figure out what you're complaining about here, if anything, or what your point is.
Holly, you say "I think the more significant question is sexual autonomy, and we absolutely treat it as if it's needed." That, right there, is my interpretation of at least part of what BA is "complaining" about. Because to me sexual autonomy means things like "has resources to avoid rape and deal with assault when it happens" or "has access to birth control" -- basically, how to control your relationship to other people's (probably men's) desires. When do we decide that OUR DESIRE is just as important as not being beaten down with other people's sexuality?
(And hi, BA! I'm usually an appreciative lurker, but this post was so damn good and nurturing to me that I wanted to pipe and say: you rock! thank you.)
First off Welcome winna, andholly.
also please excuse me I'm a lil tired but I ma doing my level best to remain somewhat civil.
whatshername. I have received invitations to that anthology from MANY people in various permutations and wordings. It's not " out of line". But the my post is easy enough to ignore thing is, because it' s not how I operate and its frankly snide.
While ignoring someone who says or does something uncomfortable seems to be evolving as a common tactic in the blogosphere. IT's not a good one for social change social justice an or even good theoretical arguments. I Don't appreciate the implication.
As for the book I have many problems with it' s framing that right now is At BEST poorly thought out , disturbingly tokenizing, and redundantly a historical . But since I right now can't safely express any opinion on this new wave of feminism without being attacked
I will direct you here
http://community.livejournal.com/sex_and_race/500321.html#cutid1
and let it be.
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I love my sudy !
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Winna:
"commercialized erotic entitlement."
YES. SO MUCH YES/ LARGE AMOUNTS OF YES.
and hee i like the fact i inspire dancing there should always be dancing*
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Holly
Whose we?
And what feminists
The same ones who were a ok with testing birth control on Boriqua women
or the ones who jumped for joy over gynecology
as it mutilated and tortured slaves
OF course its difficult to figure out what I'm complaining about
as contrary to popular conception I was continuing an ongoing discussion with a friend.
Not to mention if you don't knwo my point why are you here?
And women's sexual autonomy unprecendented in history.
that just untrue and un reasearched drivel point blank
Joan:
I remember being voted most likely to be a nun and going YES ! Becuase that meant that my mom ( who as i grew older had a right to be a feared ) admonishments about the way I ate ( to this day my wife calls me a naughty eater), walked held my self , and touched myself weren't true.
I wasn't being overly womanish I could be good . Yes some of it had to do with a call to GOd or the Spirit as I think more of it now but it was mostly about making myself acceptable.
And the grief thing is something we both experience but from different ends.
I BITCH often and heavily about not getting laid, and folks go you could if you wanted to and their not wrong but it's not my way.
OR if i go I'm horny, I want manflesh I get told you have never had any how could you know.
As if my sexuality is dependent on being penetrated
IT was odd because many many moons a go I had this argument and i shut down cause this dude was pontificating wildly about the joy of sex and he shut me down when i said something about to the tune of you've never had sex shutup thats a way of bonding
he was 18 i was 16 ( he also turned out to be a raving misogynistic entitiled assaulter BUT neither here no there)
but at the same time i had a standing weekly sometimes nightly date to play with my pussy over telephone liens with a friend of his.
BUt I Was a prude and couldn't know.
THe very idea that our sexuality begins and ends in other people or more scarily in our relationship to penetrative sex.
DRIVES ME BATTY
and scares me
cause its designed to create this weird whore virgin double binds and faux dichotomies.
Some of the least ethical manipulative people who i have ever met using sex
FEW VERY FEW PARTNERS
most of my more partnered people
honest respectful above board
and their are some of those in all varieties
so why are we making it simple?
and for me knowing there are other people where yes oh my god its like this BURN this need
but it isn't this glossy image we keep getting presented
and im not alone
its a beautiful thing
--------------------------------
Welcome Emma!
When do we decide that OUR DESIRE is just as important as not being beaten down with other people's sexuality?
YES!
and that doesnt jsut include the typical nay sayers but also thsoe who construct sex liek its a fucking race and or policy statement
"I AM WORTH DOING WHAT I FIND PLEASUREABLE"
amen, Amen, AMEN, Fucking Amen!
::fans self a little::
Cheers to fucking on ones own terms, in ones own way, and in the way that makes one clock, because that is how it should be done.
"But the my post is easy enough to ignore thing is, because it' s not how I operate and its frankly snide.
While ignoring someone who says or does something uncomfortable seems to be evolving as a common tactic in the blogosphere. IT's not a good one for social change social justice an or even good theoretical arguments. I Don't appreciate the implication."
My apologies. I didn't mean to be "snide," it was more, "hey if you ignore my post that's fine" because, as you've said, it's common in the blogosphere for people to simply ignore someone's thought or comment if they dislike or don't care about it. It's not how I operate either, but I'm so used to it, I honestly don't take offense anymore. Actually at this point I'm just grateful when people even authorize comments to appear that they disagree with!
But thinking on it, that's rather sad, and I'm sorry I implied you might be one of those people. I don't actually think you are, at all, it was truly unintentional.
"The shame I received was interesting because the same culture that taught me hip rolls, and prized my flexibility and kept me in oils , and juices and layers upon layers of sensual delights as a practice. Was the same culture that urged me to SQUASH It if I was to fully pursue my goals as an " intellectual" in a white world. As if it was a choice."
This really centers in on your point, I think. In fact, there isn't or shouldn't be a choice to deny something fundamental to you. And the mixed messages as well as the fact that "in a white world" made them even more mixed -- has big implications for autonomy. And makes yours all the more impressive.
The joy of this post, BA, is that you didn't really need to be drunk to write it. Some of us started young and still depend on touching ourselves and are WAY over the proverbial hill. Sex is natural and as such, desirable (sometimes even wildly desirable). Is it necessary? You won't die without it. On the other hand, if you can move, you can have an orgasm, with or without somebody else. Why does it freak so many people out so much? Maybe because so many of us were raised up under a repressive Victorian mindset heavily laced with the exploitative manipulation of our power, our selfhood, and our bodies for other people's purposes and sometimes even for their pleasure...y'think?
On the other hand, if you can move, you can have an orgasm, with or without somebody else.
Not entirely true, a lot of people forget that the Asexual do exist and are not, as some would have it, neccesarily mentally damaged, nor is asexuality pathological per se.
This is of course where things like Bruce Lee comes into it imho, pour water into a cup, it takes on the shape of the cup, pour it into a bowl, it takes on the shape of the bowl, it gains form through formlessness, gains shape through shapelessness.
It avoids a wrong shape by having no right shape, no static forms, no "right way" of being.
To be wet, one must be like water, one must flow as one needs to flow, free of pretention, free of any preconceptions about one's "true" sexuality, and then able to be honest with one's self about such matters.
Neither Soceity nor any feminist movement can go to the toilet for you, so how can it know what is right for you? some things one must do for one's self.
talking of pretention, geez...
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