I'd like to thank the academe

So it finally happened .

I finally just burst into tears.
I get it , it is perfectly understood to me where I stand, and I will never make that mistake again.

I mean there is nothing silencing in being quoted while at the same time not being read. There is nothing at all discouraging about being repeatedly called an attention whore in so many words.

Meanwhile refusing to link your own blog to your name on larger blogs for the express purpose of not wanting anyone to focus on anything but the words your typing.

I would like to thank the feminist blogosphere which seems so involved in wanting to bring young women to feminism for making me weep.

Essentially because I had the NERVE to express an opinion.

I mean there really is a limit to how much one person can take.

It's not like I might have my own feelings or emotions connected to MY WORDS as often times as I was asked to consider the work of others.

It would not hurt me at all to see your work and your intentions degraded after at least extending the intellectual courtesy of being sure to give something the benefit of a full reading( or 2 or 3) even if it actively hurt you

And being told that because you gave it that courtesy , no body bothered to give your words the fucking time of day.

It is not at all bewildering as a young person to be accused of all kinds of class and intellectual snobbery for protesting linguistic choices as how it influences their appreciation of material.

But it is not at all appropriate for you to use that same language when you are in so many words being construed as petty jealous and traitorous.

There is nothing at all devaluing in being told you must be inherently worse than someone else to disagree with them.

OR that just by virtue of who you are your opinion is worth less, no matter how much time you've expended trying to be fair.

And after all that the backhanded " compliments" the effort, the self control, the screaming pointed invective, followed by vague apologies . You get to be told

" Well she was busy"

And the Grand solution everyone wants is that you should spend MORE of your

Non important, worthless, whiney , to stupid to know who the real enemies are time.

Because surely you have OOODLES of it to make other people feel better about letting you be treated like shit in the past.

Surely you want to dedicate MORE time to people who can't be bothered to read you while calling you a jealous , who take every opportunity to inform each other of how little you matter unless it's helping them .

I mean it's not all soul crushing and flabbergasting to see more time dedicated to this weeks stupid fashion trend than the literal ripping of babies form their mothers breasts or your people getting dumped into

Or that they'd expend more time storming someone who calls them " special interest groups" than keeping people who shed light in the dark corners of the world.

I mean definitely as much time dedicated to that as possible

It's not at all supremely heartbreaking to see that if you manage to carve any little bit of safe space for your self to be even remotely honest about how you feel , you can be called traitorous and evil and lower tier

And make not sure you can ever use those spaces again, I mean you having any safe space besides the one your designated

I mean you couldn't possible value these things at all, so why would anybody ask. And feeling do you even have them.

And if you defend them at all please be prepared to absorb everyone else's psychic bullshit about how their not a bad person and how you should absolve them of their guilt

And god forbid you stupid worthless ugly self gets any support, anybody who would dare support you fiercely will get called everything but a child of God and their actual name for the sake of community building. be cause anyone who doesn't participate will seem a- ok with it happening

Because you should be happy their doing their best ( and never forget the underlying current that you should be GLAD this is the best you're ever gonna do)

And why don't you just quit if you're so un happy like there are numerous places in your life full of way to many underhanded hostile privileged people you will get to commune with common souls, I need to get rid of that because

the twenty people who assure me I am not completely insane matter less than the hundreds of cheerleaders elsewhere

or t suddenly hundreds of people marveling at you like some odd piece of exotic sculpture but don't speak ( though truly thank you for those who do)

I mean you haven't been through jailed fathers, hunger, poverty, isolation, objects being pelted at you, government mandated destruction of your home life, body hate, racism, violence, near death.

You haven't kept that to yourself to be fair and attentive or keep things reasonably even keeled.

Anyone you try to deal with will shunt you off to someone else.

Cause your pain and hurt is not their responsibility

But theirs is everyones

And there is no way I am sobbing myself red and sick in front of a computer reliving every horrible moment or missed need or feat of superhuman strength or complete and utter feeling of lostness and unmooring you have felt in your 22 years

Because you were stupid enough to be born black female foreign and vocal. And the complete idiocy of preferring your own

Because you wanted more Moraga less masturbation. Possibly more hope less hate. And could not get behind mocking " good christian girls "" because whether you are one now it may have been the only thing keeping you from slitting you wrists

And while all of this is happening people want to remind you again that this is about the young women

Who can't care less

Who can't do less

But have a couple more dollars to spend.

And to see the absoluter fury and rage and pain and active leaving of your foremothers footnoted or merely theorized

THE ONLY THINGS BESIDES GOD HIM/HER/IT SELF that kept you from cracking. Why the fuck should you be protective

But why the fuck should you matter " MY POC/YOUNG WOMEN LIKED IT"

Who cares what you actually said.

And while this is happening no one even has the care to ask how you are unless they can get something from it

or the decency to actually say your name