But But It's Just ....................

God I'm tired. MAny folks won't like me after this one

Making it a day ending in Y but I need to get this off my chest

Why is art so unimportant when it hurts me but important when it makes you feel good?

The mere idea of me not liking this one filmmaker and having strong reasonably articulate thoughts about it has driven people to distraction.

Fine whatever .

What bugs me is that they have latched on to it at the expensive of the substance of the posts that used the term and the deluge of whiny bullshit that has followed the posts.

If these people spent the time they spent bitching about how they had a problem with it writing a letter or calling somebody in connection to the issues at hand or throwing up a blogpost in support of women with no there options as they did " defending a multimillionaire filmmaker I think I'd write pages and pages to the glory of SC in response?

What's most interesting is that the responses indicate to me that these women haven't read the fucking post.

And the anonymous questions with no linking or links with no context. It's not cute it's smug and rude. Engage me or don't but don't fucking patronize me .

I reread my own article . I never once say said or imply that Coppola herself is or is not a feminist.

I examined her films and extrapolated out how her structuring of certain films and convenient ofrgetting/rewriting/completely westernizing the narrative was so dead on in terms of how many feminists treat any even REMOTE question that even deems to leave the fucking rails of chocice, birth control, sex, poles lalalala.

And the links of course prove my damn point but hey when you think that the problem is I'm just not well versed enough or don;t fucking get your point of view what's actually listening to my point ?

BEcause when I talk about how much this type of thing and the comparative narrative is dependent on making Westernism and straight up American white aesthetics the center of the fucking world, an interview where a person describes AN ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKING CITY as " either or" or their use of certain symbols as " getting it wrong" and sprinkles " weird through out is really fucking helpful.

ONCE A MOTHERFUCKING GAIN from the top. The mere idea that you would presume to frame your opinion of another place shows the myopia of your relating skills. The fact that you do this from a reasonably expensive hotel instead of youth hostel, or a friends floor is a really excellent example of rampant class bias.

MY GOD. If you lack the vision to go someplace and see it for what it is and then tell me it's weird, I DON'T CARE WHAT FUCKING IRONIC APPROVAL you get from people who are aiming toward westernization, it's still myopic and self centered.

Not to mention the constant but but this person liked it because as we all know all " Others" get together and have a fucking vote on how we feel on shit. Not like we could be diverse people and have some hate this shit and others love it? NO fucking herd pack.

And frankly no you can't have it both ways. The director/film/book/fandom/song is either important and moving enough to change you OR it's inconsequential.

If it's not why the fuck are you arguing with me about it.

Oh that's right for YOU to have an opinion it's a mother fucking right but for me to have one I need a thesis, evidence, and at least three motherfuckers to back me up, but make sure their white.

And lordy I wish , WISH, this shit ended at just people being uptight about me dinging ( even though I didn't ) their hipster goddess.

But nope.

The hits just keep on coming!

It boggles people's mind that we might notice when all the brown folk are oversexed or servants. That it might bother us and I love the justifications of it but but I've been a barista. Tehy make lots of money, but but that's how it's written!

No shit.

It's this prevailing.. like I can't even find another word for it except smugness for right now, that every time WOC/POC/ opens their mouth to observe or say anything it's a character assault rather than a thought.

Like our every thought is consumed with the Magical Negro/Mystic Asian/Wise Native desire to make you act better, or Angry ( insert ethnicity/ "special interest group " identifier ) out to spoil your fun.

I've often wondered if many of the why are we still bothering with white people posts or are frustrations aren't the fact we actually talk bout them that much but that the minute WE OBSERVE ANY FUCKING THING AT ALL it becomes a pity party of why white folk ain't that bad. Like if we voice any objections or point out at all that it's just not okay whatever your reason that it FUCKING HURTS that for once someone will say I see that and I'm sorry and not make the magical morphing transformation into why it's so bad for us to notice or why we take it so seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE IT HURTS

Part of the reason it hurts so bad is that we KNOW it's not getting better at all. I felt that post from BFP so much. Because as an actor I've been there. You have to trust and put yourself out there for even light, fluffy mindless, entertainment and if you get deep into the creative process you start to realize why we (POC/strong women/people with disabilities) aren't there.

They work hard to eliminate us.

Trying to comb through auditions for something that isn't a mammy , or trying to explain how it's not hard for you to understand being a fucking intellectual on stage to some snot nosed fuckhead , about why it shouldn't be shocking at fucking all for a Caribbean from the hood to know how to use chopsticks. That is the norm of the life NOT the exception.

or being the first person the lookout when they want contorted body positions, and hookers. Why your nudity is so fucking symbolic, or " important" or advertising of destituteness , never ever erotic ( fetish sure, some amazing show of super(sub)human sexual magic.

OR asked to explain poverty or the Immigrant experience, but the plays about destroying the fat girl, or YET ANOTHER mindless boy meets girl no matter how much they suck

We can always do another one of those.

And that's why This hurt.

I don't think and if I'm wrong I'll say it once that AradhanaD wants to punch the Ren is scum card . But you know that I "I choose to be entertained" .

She nor I can make that choice, by the time the end of the camp scene hits every major trope and bullshit I go through being an actress, being a writer, fuck being a human being on legs while Negro ,female and slant eyed . And the being called whacko thing , do you know how many times when I discuss this movie with people I get

" Can't you just turn it off, NOT EVERYTHING IS POLITICAL"

Because my bringing my life experience to it does what? The fact that the movie made me feel physically ill is off the table?

Did Ren or anyone else do it in thread ? No

But it comes with you, and the same way Ren felt about not having to justify it to anyone ( even though AradhanaD didn't ask) I feel about it being implied that it's a buzz kill to point out that the movie GUTTED me.

The problem isn't you don't deserve mindless entertainment. OR that suddenly enjoying it means you're not playing political enough or checking your ism worksheet. Or asking you to justify it at all.

But the same way your frustrated with justifying it to others, it s frustrating to hear that this experience which so recharged you and was necessary for you to have time with someone is JUST A MOVIE. No one is saying you don't and frankly the I don't deserve thing about political implications

Feels like a slap. Cause as recharging and life affirming as the experience was for some to me. I just felt assaulted.

Because don't I too? Can I watch a movie with out being chucked in the head again again about how shitty my profession thinks of me? Or that after 600 years my body's still the great undiscovered continent?

To be able to not have anything in a film like that reach out and wrench your spleen, or at least be far enough away that you can "choose" to not be offended and just be entertained is an amazing privilege.

And if you have it you have it. Whatever else you been through doesn't make that privilege go away.

But to see the experience of someone who saw that same thing that was so life affirming for you as equally damaging be lumped in with nitpickers.

Yeah that fucking hurts. We all get our mindless entertainment and somewhere I have a privilege and if I don't want to give it up I need to live with how much it existence hurts others.

And what's really amazing to me in this all is.

I'm used to it.

I don't expect at all any special care or consideration from ANYONE, at this point on this shit. Call it the audition process, call it thickening my skin but whatever.

It's just this resignation to seeing people like me eviscerated and waiting for what we know will come .

It's not that serious, or that it made me feel good, can't there be some way it's okay, your life just ain't " real" or " entertaining"?

Yeah it okay for you, just not for me and watching people dance around the fact that when you do it you're saying BA I'm just not thinking about you . You do not matter to me at this moment.
How fucking sad is it that at this point I'd prefer that, the honesty of knowing where people are than hearing how they reconcile that with feeling accepted about their choices.

I accept all your choices, Doesn't mean they don't make me cry, or scream or hurt?

You get your fandom, I get the coffee.

You get the break, I get the heartbreak.

Trust this shit ain't new or at this point that deep.

Just a... for you is just the same old for me. But the same worldview that made a world where you can enjoy these things or find that they speak to you is the same one that makes them destroying and hurtful to me.

So sto being so mad I gave it a name.